a faucet's demise - pipTalk Forums

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D edgar Grey
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 174
Hell...(aka Wisconsin)

0 posted 2002-09-17 11:30 PM

Drop by drop
Water leaves
This rusty faucet
Stress of years
Dull the metal
Leaving it brown
Water drips out
Yellow in colour
Sulfer-like taste
Very slowly falling
Into broken pieces
Cracked and splintered
The sink now plugged
Drop by drop
I slowly die

----------------------------------------------------

I wrote this during health class (hehe). Am unsure if it completely works as a metaphor for death...so any advice would be greatly appreciated, as always.
Thanks!
Ja.

"cherry blossoms"

Floating to the ground
Light pink in your soft colour
End my memories

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2002-09-18 12:31 PM

I must say I liked this poem's imagery and story until the very end. I thought your connection between the decaying faucet and the speaker's own imminant death was made far too abruptly.

Other than that, I really liked the poem.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-09-19 12:07 PM

Edgar,
Drop "very slowly" (change it to slowly, since very doesn't add anything), and get rid of the plugged sink.

Or, even better, instead of "very slowly" find a better word for slowly, since it would be nice not to repeat slowly twice in this poem.

Then you've got yrself a graceful winner.