Dark Poetry #3 |
a faucet's demise |
D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Drop by drop Water leaves This rusty faucet Stress of years Dull the metal Leaving it brown Water drips out Yellow in colour Sulfer-like taste Very slowly falling Into broken pieces Cracked and splintered The sink now plugged Drop by drop I slowly die ---------------------------------------------------- I wrote this during health class (hehe). Am unsure if it completely works as a metaphor for death...so any advice would be greatly appreciated, as always. Thanks! Ja. "cherry blossoms" |
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© Copyright 2002 Carson - All Rights Reserved | |||
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I must say I liked this poem's imagery and story until the very end. I thought your connection between the decaying faucet and the speaker's own imminant death was made far too abruptly. Other than that, I really liked the poem. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Edgar, Drop "very slowly" (change it to slowly, since very doesn't add anything), and get rid of the plugged sink. Or, even better, instead of "very slowly" find a better word for slowly, since it would be nice not to repeat slowly twice in this poem. Then you've got yrself a graceful winner. Mike |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
u need a new sink no really I think it worked quite well as a metphor for dying. If your afraid of the dark, then why did you come? |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Thanks for the advice!! Yeah, I wasn't sure how to end this piece, so I decided for an abrupt ending. I am off to edit the lines...JA!! "cherry blossoms" |
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
Very creative, abstract... I can truthfully tell you that This was enjoyed... right down to that last drop. ~Sara |
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