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Dark Poetry #3
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Cold Home
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Cold Home |
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Stryder Junior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 29Silent Hill |
"Cold Home" A halo surrounds my home Runs deep through the pipes Through the walls, and the halls Transformed; My family has fell apart Left me paper-thin and bruised Crestfallen, with a broken-heart Drowning internally. Silence speaks loud Louder than words ever could Echoing: thwarting Everyday I feel misunderstood-- With a shattered self-esteem This home cannot withhold My caterwauling screams The essence of my home. -Stryder Why do they call it "Common Sense" when so many people are obviously lacking it? |
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| © Copyright 2002 Stryder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I think you captured that "separation of togetherness" it's stifling... all iced with foggy confusion...sigh. I think we ALL know this one. sadly, but beautifully done. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Stryder, I would echo the Serene One's voice... and I would comment on one change... "fell" screamed "fix me!" [to me] and interrupted the melancholy of the piece... so IF this piece had a "bad point" that would be it... otherwise, a very striking poem... thank you! |
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Stryder Junior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 29Silent Hill |
Well, I trust you have noticed that I encourage Constructive Critiques from people (it shows it right above where you reply). What would you suggest I change "fell" to? By the way, one of you mods changed the last line of my poem I think...it should read... "The essence of my home--cold." [This message has been edited by Stryder (08-17-2002 11:43 AM).] |
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Stryder Junior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 29Silent Hill |
Here is a slight revision of my poem... Cold Home A halo surrounds my home Runs deep through the pipes Through the walls, and the halls Transformed; My family has grown apart Left me paper-thin and bruised Crestfallen, with a broken-heart Drowning internally. Silence speaks loud Louder than words ever could Echoing: distance Everyday I feel misunderstood This home cannot withhold My caterwauling screams How everything feels so cold The essence of my home. Stryder. "Two rights don't make a wrong, |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
The second version is much better...and still just as sorrowful... hugs... btw, no one's edited your poem though...firstly, we only edit if there is content that breaks guidelines like swearing for example...and secondly - you can tell. It will say under your poem 'this poem has been edited by such and such...'   K |
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