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WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-08-09 10:54 AM

It happened so slowly
that I didn't realize
I was crumbling away
right before my eyes.

A piece here and there
just a little more each day
until I finally noticed
I was slowly fading away.

I started out so strong
but then too much was lost
too many hopes and dreams
destroyed and then tossed.

But I realized it today
when I went to stand outside
to feel the breeze upon my face
to listen to the rolling tide.

When the wind captured me
it blew me all apart,
just a pile of dust
and in the midst, a broken heart

WhiteRose

There are a million messages,
in a million bottles,
you just have to know
which one to pull out of the ocean.

PoeticGoddessOfDepression
Member

since 2002-07-02

Posts 439
I am everywhere

1 posted 2002-08-09 12:55 PM

I know this... and i felt it.
Great job.

beccymelling
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 31
Birmingham, England

2 posted 2002-08-09 01:54 PM

I liked this poem. There were a couple of omissions I would make if the piece was mine (which I have put in brackets) to help the flow.

It happened so slowly
(that) I didn't realize
I was crumbling away
right before my eyes.

A piece here and there
(just) a little more each day
(until) I finally noticed
I was (slowly) fading away. – slowly implied by “finally noticed”

I started out (so) strong
(but) then too much was lost
(too) many hopes and dreams
destroyed and then tossed.

(But) I realized it today
(when) I went to stand outside
to feel the breeze (up)on my face
to listen to the rolling tide. – the rhythm breaks a little here maybe – and listen to the tide?

When the wind captured me
it blew me (all) apart,
just a pile of dust
and in the midst, a broken heart

Thanks for sharing, it was a good read.

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

3 posted 2002-08-09 02:40 PM

I enjoyed the soft, subtle ache of this piece, WhiteRose.

Moon Dust

Member Elite

since 1999-06-11

Posts 2177
Skelmersdale, UK

4 posted 2002-08-11 07:28 PM

All your poems are gentle even the darkest ones and this no exception hope you get over your heart break.

If your afraid of the dark, then why did you come?

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