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Dark Poetry #3
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The Lonely Night
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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The Lonely Night |
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Diane Coway Member
since 2002-08-01
Posts 61USA |
Into my room he stole, Looming boldly over me. Crime so long ago, Still fear grips savagely. My sanctuary violated. Now other nights to listen for intruding sounds. Yearning for light, Suffering for his sins, Alone at night, He still wins. Coway © Nov. 1999 |
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| © Copyright 2002 Bonet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Great, but troubling read. I am sure that you will win out, over this. See to it. ~wranx The shortest distance between two points... is sometimes, intolerable. Bukowski [This message has been edited by wranx (08-02-2002 01:35 PM).] |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Ouch. Tough words. But also poetic words. Here's hopin' you find yr way beyond! Said if I only could ... |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
ooooh that is lonely If your afraid of the dark, then why did you come? |
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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
when i opened this thread, i had someything else in mind. chilling write. it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown |
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Dragon en Morta Junior Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 12 |
"Into my room he stole, Looming boldly over me. Crime so long ago, Still fear grips savagely." BABABA BBBBBBA BBBBA BABABA I think this a superb start. I've shown here the rythem and ryhme scheme you have here. Do you notice the problem? Don't get me wrong, the words and message are wonderful... I think they just need to be arranged abit. Here is an example: "Into my room he stole, Looming savegely. Crime felt so long ago, Fear still gripping me." BABABA BBBBB BABABA BBBBB I think the message i still the same. I cut unnecessary words, lending strength to the better ones. Sometimes, It's all about taking a fresh look at what you're doing. It's okay to cut, move, edit a poem, so long as the meaning stays the same. This is a wonderful poem. I think you need to go through it and figure out the best rythem. Get a better fit and this work will shine! The last two lines are great. Looking forward to more. Dragon |
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