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Dark Poetry #3
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Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2002-06-23
Posts 972

0 posted 2002-06-26 01:01 PM

I'm breaking the "four-line norm" for just a second.
I hope you like it.
Red is the blood
That flows from my veins
White are the tears
Caused by my pain

Blue is my heart
Beaten and cold
Black is the void
Where once was my soul

Love came and went
Without saying goodbye
Took with it my heart
And left me to die

Alone in my cave
So damp and so cold
I reach out for comfort
With no one to hold

I try and I try
To find my way home
But fate's dealt my cards
I shall Die all alone

your 100grit love is smoothing my soul

© Copyright 2002 Kristopher Hankins - All Rights Reserved
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

1 posted 2002-06-26 03:10 PM

Awesome, Kris. And never be afraid to try new things. You don't want to be known as "the 4-line guy." Mix it up. Have fun. Like with this one -- wonderful.

These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun.

Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
2 posted 2002-06-26 03:15 PM

I agree with the above commentary.  You don't need to stick to one style ALL the time...and you seem to be everywhere, touching on every emotion...good for you!

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
3 posted 2002-10-18 01:57 PM

hey Kris -

I have to say I was enjoying what you started out with, the descriptions of the colours and how they related to different aspects of being "lonely."  

You deviated from that for the final part, and while I agree that this was best for a few stanzas, I don't think you should have ended it before revisiting the original theme of the poem... perhaps in the last stanza you should have described one colour or went back to the colours, mentioned them somehow, instead of ditching your theme like that.

Just a humble critique!  

That's the only thing I had to mention, as the rest of the poem was very satisfying and well structured.  I especially like how you tuned your meter so that the last two lines of each stanza flowed more closely with one another than the first two did.  Gave kind of a unique sound to the poem's spoken tone...

Oh, and if you usually write in four lines at a time... broaden your horizons, man... old formats get boring for the readers, and even more boring for the author...

Keep up the good work.


Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

since 2002-07-18
Posts 486

4 posted 2002-10-18 04:57 PM

Great work....enjoyed.


Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763 my boxers...
5 posted 2002-10-19 01:00 AM

Kris, I like the deviant poem... technically, I should say the poem who's style deviates from the norm, but which is more fun?

Truly, the different style works. I can't decide it it lacks the same "smack" of your deeply emotional four line poems, but this one, a sixteen line deeply emotional piece, is fantastically written. You write of your pain and sadness to where we can feel it. Smashing, Kris.


"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

D edgar Grey
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174
Hell...(aka Wisconsin)
6 posted 2002-10-20 01:14 AM

Hmmm...I would concur with everyone else: Don't bother following any "norms." The only thing it'll get you is strange looks from everybody else!

This was definitely an emotional piece, which I immensely enjoyed! I would agree with what was written above, though: somehow tie in the colour scheme with the last part. Very nice, though!

"Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones

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