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MIdsummerRain
Member

since 2002-05-19

Posts 175
St. Louis, Missouri

0 posted 2002-05-24 11:49 PM

My Dream Not Forgotten

I sighed, "What do you know of love"

The abstract is
only a phase deep and profound
caught in a maze, vague and
unsound

Just beyond
pretending to see, unable to know
what loving will be when love
cannot show

The tangible evidence
that our story goes on underneath
the throes born of love gone
amiss -
with each tasteof a kiss bursting
on orb of bliss - a little like this;

Its really faith
wishing I could fly to aplace
nearby
away from the lie about you and I

Held before
my heart feeling hallowed,
sickenedand swallowed
making all that followed
weakened and shallowed

The hard facts acceptance
that our knowing the truth of
lying ensconced
in young love - promises made, yet
never clear;
finding ones youthful cheer lost
when held
much to dear, and that has
taught me to fear

That love just is...

"Nothing...I know nothing of love," he whispered

For in much wisdom is much grief
& he who increases knowledge
increases sorrow...
Eccl. 1:18

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2002-05-25 12:38 PM

You know, I shy away from rhyme. I find most of it these days to be immature, and badly forced. Yet, in your piece, I have found a rare exception. There's something about this that I just respond to - maybe it's the flow...

I think it could do with some tightening in parts...a little revision in some places..but otherwise - I think you've done very very well..

One thing, off the topic - your critique messages says 'There is nothing you can say that will upset me, or change the way I write'

Well then, if nothing will change the way you write, why do you have the crit flag checked? One of the main functions of having your work assessed, and critiqued, is to enable your poetry to grow. I just found that interesting.

K

ThUnDeRkYsS
Senior Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 727
Wisconsin

2 posted 2002-05-25 03:35 AM

I too like the way this poem flows so well, all broken up and different from one stanza to the next... but all flows together so well and works, truly a unique style you have here.

Strive for higher levels, if they seem out of reach... Grow, and they will get closer.

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

3 posted 2002-05-25 03:45 AM

Very nice. I like the more mature view of love and the potential/s. Rhyme or not, this worked well and made me smile a smile of understanding and appreciation.

Chris

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