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Teen Poetry #4
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Trip of Salvation
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Trip of Salvation |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
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Blah! ‘Trip of Salvation’ Chocolaty, aromal threads of hair Ruffle amidst bluish-purple sky As we drive forth vapory lined air Into land unclear to the juvenile eye Drained wheels slither down boulevards Streaking the cement with mind’s eye Fidgeting upon the leather so hard May the shaky potholes of love die Just a ride with green, stunning trees Engulfing our joyance with outdoors With the rectilinear horizon in breeze Like color-stained panels of the floor Through skeletal valleys oh so abysmal And mountains greeting with cotton clouds We’ll glide over ashed lands of dismal Searching for the nirvanic shrouds Jeremy D Raulinaitis 2/17/01 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Nice one here jer. I have no damn clue as to WHY i'm the first one to reply to this and it was on page #2!!! What's up with people man?! This isn't the first 0 i see on #2 either!!!!! REVOLT! Anyway, very well done here. The voc. is astonishing and your use of metaphor and simile is wowish.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
"Through skeletal valleys oh so abysmal And mountains greeting with cotton clouds We’ll glide over ashed lands of dismal Searching for the nirvanic shrouds " This is a great discription of the journey we will all take. Your imagery is amazing, as dopey said. This definently deserves more than one reply!   "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
...sorry i was outta town for 2 days, but since i'm back you should expect replies from me all the time. You seem to have a clear view of how you feel and it shows throughout the strength of your poem. Great job!  "You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I'll be a bit harsh with my criticism, but that's only because I think that your work has a lot of potential. I liked the first stanza the most. From there, it was a bit of a let down. You are AWESOME at describing everyday objects in a new and a refreshing way, but sometimes your poems lack a central theme. For example,- this poem is overflowing with great imagery, but essentially all that it's describing is two people driving and searching for "nirvanic shrouds." I think that it needs more than that! Poetry should capture feelings and emotions, and this one (in my opinion) doesn't. But that's just my two cents, other may feel differentely. Thanks for sharing your work. |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I got lost in the imagery of this one. I kept visualizing one thing while you moved on to the next. And if Dopey would set his page length to 100 or 200, things move to page 2 a whole lot slower "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.therainforestsite.com |
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