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Neokrew
Member

since 2000-12-24

Posts 60
VA

0 posted 2001-02-15 02:04 PM

I hate when you do this
I can't even understand why
All I know is that when you
Do it, it makes me want to cry

I can't do a thing without
Betraying your trust
But which is worse not
Having you as a friend or

Not having you at all
One day you just may
Not stop the flow and
You life will have end and

It's my fault I could
Have put a stopped to it
But didn't because
I was selfish

Now you're gone I am alone
With nowhere to belong
And I could have stopped it but
Didn't and now your no longer here

--Neo

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2001-02-15 02:55 PM

Nice poem, quite honest as well. Only thing you might like to work on is punctuation. That seemed to be lacking.

But on the whole, the poem was quite good, and hard-hitting.

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

2 posted 2001-02-15 05:18 PM

Wow, sad. This kind of sucks (situation not the poem) Nice writing tho.

xoxo
Jenn

"I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-02-15 07:44 PM

I was just about to type punctuation but frac beat me to it. Work on that....it lets the reader know when to stop and go.

Nice job though!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-02-15 07:47 PM

you did a pretty good job. I'd prefer if you keep the same sentences in the same stanzas. Not that big of a deal, but it might help

thanks for sharing

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Tears of Glass
Member

since 2000-12-04

Posts 182
Physically? VA.... Mentally? I'm not quite sure

5 posted 2001-02-15 08:50 PM

I agree with everyone else about the punctuation. It is a sad poem. I would really like to know what or who you're talking about. I thought I knew at first, but when I got to the end I had no idea. I just wanted to say now I'm sorry for everything. I got so mad today when you told me the truth. That hurt a lot. But I'm sorry.. and I hope this doesnt put a damper on our friendship. But anyways.. tell me what it's about. See you tomorrow. And I hope everything is cool now. Talk to you later.

*Your babe

"My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see."

anomaly187
Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 284
San Francisco,CA,US

6 posted 2001-02-15 09:26 PM

hey i thought you really did a great
job on this except for punc. like
frac and dopey said..otherwise
a great post

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"

Neokrew
Member

since 2000-12-24

Posts 60
VA

7 posted 2001-02-16 07:18 AM

Hey guys,

I wrote this in like 5 min so like this is the first time I have read it

I will fix it up a little. Thanks for the replies. Cya soon

--Neo

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

8 posted 2001-02-16 01:51 PM

Good job of expressing this!

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

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