»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
Unwrapped Benevolence
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
Unwrapped Benevolence |
|
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
|
This poem is so weird. When I went back to read it, it took me a little time to wonder what the heck I was talking about...the description is very deep, such as "wine filled stars"... meaning sparkling stars  Oh and I invented the word "infiniticious". Enjoy.'Unwrapped Benevolence' Candlestick poles fall in file, waving their golden hair Stationed along the crackling bare pavement. I perform a saunter, in my depressionated despair And wine filled stars hold me to enslavement. Cliché patterned houses, bathe in white lacy snow And mailboxes full of responsibility dispense laughter. Where I end is skeptical, but my feet will gingerly go As I embark upon Memory Lane of before and after. Keep enduring I do, But I will thirstily stretch for a code And assign every street a footprint of prevalence. Momentous fragments of me, shape the uncouth roads Leaving the night a memory of my benevolence. For I gave Night a confidant, and a ear to fully listen And our infiniticious passions will grow together. I teeter-totter into the charcoals, Mr. Night behind in glisten Back to origin I go to rid me of this rainy weather… JeremY RaulinaitiS "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) [This message has been edited by jeremydraul (edited 02-11-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Mister Raulinaitis, you are amazing. These words...I can't get over these words...my goodness..................... ~Carly "Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." (Nora Ephron) |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Wowzers (something gaget used to say).....this was VERY good. Dude you simply have to give us an explanation, but not too quickly. Let others reply then tell me what it means, I wanna know. NICE ONE here jer...I liked it all.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
||
|
Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Explain to us laymen. Please! I love your verbiage...but I don't always follow it! And don't worry bout the invention of words... shakespeare did it all the time. xoxo Jenn "I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia [This message has been edited by Jenn Cirrincione (edited 02-10-2001).] |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
WOW, This has to be one of, if not the best poemsI've read in this forum! Great use of metaphor and imagery... Perhaps it would be better if the rhyme pattern was ABAB instead of ABCB, but that's up to you to decide. Really, I enjoyed it! Keep writing! I will be looking for more... |
||
|
HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
I truly believe there is nothing here to "tear up into pieces". Every word is moving... damn ur good! "You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear |
||
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Wow, im wordless (well not really). Ill give an explanation after Allan reads this because he probably will get it, hes good like that. thanks a lot for the kind words! Also, i took your suggestion and made it ABAB format! JeremY "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) [This message has been edited by jeremydraul (edited 02-11-2001).] |
||
|
DreadedLiver Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 56Alter, Ego |
Wow, nice job me. The description was quite wonderful. So heres what the poem is about: One night, after a sorrowful encounterment with another lonely night, I decided to roam the streets of good ol' Abington, MA at 2am! Im crazy, I know... but it sure helped me out. I guess Ill analyze this line by line or something.... "Candlestick poles fall in file, waving their golden hair Stationed along the crackling bare pavement." --Lamp posts are glowing their bulbs along the sidewalks--- "I perform a saunter, in my depressionated despair And wine filled stars hold me to enslavement." --I saunter(stroll) in depression as the stars trap me all around--- "Cliché patterned houses, bathe in white lacy snow And mailboxes full of responsibility dispense laughter." --Plain and original houses sit amongst the snow and their mailboxes are filled with bills, garbage etc...(responsibilities)--- "Where I end is skeptical, but my feet will gingerly go As I embark upon Memory Lane of before and after." --I dont know where Ill stop, my feet keep going carefully as I think about my past and present--- "Keep enduring I do, But I will thirstily stretch for a code And assign every street a footprint of prevalence." --I keep going and reach for some sort of sign, as I walk down every step leaving my dominance of my goal--- "Momentous fragments of me, shape the uncouth roads Leaving the night a memory of my benevolence." --Memorable pieces of me make the roads the way they are and I give night a gift of my kindness--- "For I gave Night a confidant, and a ear to fully listen And our infiniticious passions will grow together." --I gave night a friend, and our passion will coincide with each other--- "I teeter-totter into the charcoals, Mr. Night behind in glisten Back to origin I go to rid me of this rainy weather…" --I walk into the dark sky leaving night behind amd I go home because it started raining--- Well there it is!Thanks for the replies.... JeremY "zzzIzzzAMzzzJEREMYDRAULzzz" |
||
|
Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Well, I was amazed by it. Fantastic job "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
You already know how i feel about you work  I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
