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Teen Poetry #4
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Birth of Our Decease
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Birth of Our Decease |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
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This dark one was inspired by anomaly187's poem 'Look Away'. Enjoy. "Birth of Our Decease" Cling on to worthy morals, the world… is sailing away. Don’t eye the cloudiness, the sun… steers you astray. World leaves the station soon, our lives… dissolve to air. Upon your watch conveys, that time… is in despair. But oh! We have heavens, and god… doesn’t even care. He cradles his head in hands, the angels… glide to the clear. Our cosmos in an ocean of gas, and we… threw the ignition. Caring too little of valued things, now fires… damn our mission. When we soon awake tomorrow, our lands… covered in heat. Melt our teary, sorrowful eyes, and faith… crumbles at our feet. Hell bubbles the torched earth, now the devil... rules the land. See what we’ve done now, our lives… no longer stand. We were loaned many chances, we ignored… all the verity. Now our flesh will scorch black, and bloody eyes… will seek the clarity. Of forgiveness...  "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) [This message has been edited by jeremydraul (edited 02-04-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreadedLiver Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 56Alter, Ego |
Ooooh. Good one "other me". Bah, who am I kidding... *BUMP! "zzzIzzzAMzzzJEREMYDRAULzzz" |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Whoa... nice job Jeremy. I really did enjoy this one. Lately we've all been writing so darkly... I am loving it. This piece is a great contribution. I'd mention my favourite part, but I really don't have one. This poem has such a unity to it that I can't really say. Good job Jer! This is one for the library! -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
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the day i tried to live Junior Member
since 2001-02-03
Posts 27the seventh circle |
apocalyptic and somehow beautiful... right up my alley... *finds it so hard to discern a modern poet's take on God from single works*... |
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anomaly187 Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 284San Francisco,CA,US |
well i have to say i have never had this happen to me..i absolutely loved this poem! your talent combined with the beauty of dark poetry blows me away on this one jeremy. i am glad to have inspired it and i encourage you to continue. "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
jeremydraul encourages Constructive Critiques: "Please comment upon anything you desire. Tear it to pieces if you feel it's necessary. Thanks." How should I do this JD? it is already perfect let me check your other poem again and see if you surpassed that one I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked this poem, but the style really did not appeal to me. You've done better, but all in all a good poem here. Nice theme.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Thanks Dopey, I needed to hear something negative because sometimes I feel that people lie to me and say its good. I dont think you read it the right way, maybe I'll throw some commas and what not in...Thanks to everyone else also, your words mean a lot to me.... Jeremy "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) |
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HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
Very unique... like the different approach you took compared to your last poem. "You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear |
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TrueLUV Member
since 2000-07-19
Posts 158Connecticut, U.S.A. |
Jermemy I liked the piece but the style didn't show me too much into your mind you have done much better its still a good poem :-! |
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