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Teen Poetry #4
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pAtHeTiC (haha isn't that pretty)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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pAtHeTiC (haha isn't that pretty) |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
eh...i don't think i'm too happy with this one. lately everything i write seems to to instantly turn into crap. please read and respond HONESTLY lol. thanks everybody, luv you guys. -fear- i miss you, there i said it. god, am i that pathetic? i barely know you yet need you so and i don't even understand my mind, heart, body, or my soul i don't understand why i feel this way and why i hope that you feel the same i'm addicted i can't help it. but that doesn't mean you have to cause me pain. just walk away i can handle it but...i think i may love you. what the hell? do you know what love is? and for that matter...do i? i don't deserve you but yet i don't deserve all this pain. -fear- |
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| © Copyright 2001 bergundy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Not your greatest but still very good. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
I really love your thoughts in this piece. I especally love the last two lines, very profound. You might want to watch your flow, though. That's really the only thing. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I don't think that there's anything wrong with this one. Maybe you don't like it because it's expressing some really deep and sometimes hard to deal with emotions that you're feeling. This was a really good one! Rhonda  "Who did that?" "Charlie and Blake." "Who's Charlie and Blake?" "Rhonda and Amy.""Great. There goes the school." |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thanks for the great read... I liked the structure although as Lovebug said " watch the flow" anyway great work... Zu |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This one looks almost as though it's conveying both an inner struggle within the speaker AND the relationship problems that he/she is enduring. It thought it was rather interesting in that way. As for constructive critique: I know I say this a lot, but... Try to structure your poetry more. Make lines that have the same number of syllables. Try to add some rhymes.  "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey everybody, thanks for responding. i luv u guys for being honest! i'll try to work on my form n stuff, but i can't promise you anything great. it gets really frustrating when i try to write something in form, and it just turns out bad. i think i'm more of a free-style kinda girl. thanks again for replying, it means a lot to me. later all -fear- |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
wow!...this hit home for me...its something i can relate to a situtaion i had...i loved this poem  ...hope to see more...bye  im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well done here! This was simply awesome! I mean sure it might not have been your best but as far as emotional content and the purity of how you felt in this piece....well it's apparent that you rocked it with this one. I liked this poem a lot!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
talking about raw emotions. very strong piece. thank for the excellent read. hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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LoneWolf Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384IL |
wow this was good. i really liked this a lot. i could relate. great job here It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that. |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
Wow~this is a page out of my life. I tell myself how pathetic i am for feeling a certain way all the time. and i know EXACTLY what you mean about everything you write seems to turn into instant krap. i havent been able to actually write for like months..i hate it. but neways..keep your head up, things will work out for the best..the best may not be what you hoped for...but you'll be alright **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
It may not have been your best, but it still had a good message. Thats whats great about poetry. No matter how bad it seems to you, if theres a message someone can relate to, they love it. Not saying this is bad, just some general insight. Thanks for the read. *~*Amanda*~* |
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Poet on Acid Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 325Florida, USA |
Someone needs a hug and a prozac "It's too cold in the world...too cold to be alone..." - >¶Øʆ< |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
eh very clever tony...we can't all be as happy as you lol. -bergundy- emotions are like evil serpents that coil around your mind---me "i cannot save you, i can't even save myself"--stabbing westward |
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