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Teen Poetry #4
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Be warned!
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Be warned! |
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EskimoMafia New Member
since 2001-01-12
Posts 2Minnesota, USA |
Tis this love or envious lust? Before My eyes stand a creature who blesses Me with thy appearance. With my eyes I Gaze at the marvelous wonder of thy Beauty as though each moment were thy last. But upon my shoulder sits a weight; the Weight of idiocy. For I know not Thy feelings. Have thou hatred towards me, or Dust thou show passion towards me? I may know Not thy feelings, but as I gaze into Thy eyes, I know the sky is envious. For such a deep blue comes only from thy Iris. For all these things mark thee and do Thee justice. For all these things mark my love. Upon seeing her thou will know her, so Be warned! For one day she shall be mine. ---------------------------------------------------- I love Elizabethan poetry. I like how it flows, and paints a picture with the correct wording. I’m trying to learn to write poetry with it. Please comment on this poem. If i used a couple words wrong or have some spelling errors please tell me. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Welcome to Passions! I thought this was really good. I think your use of Elizabethan is pretty good. Within the whole thing you used the word "thy" 7 times......that is, if my mathematical skills are with me here at this time of night, which usually is not the case......anyway for ME.......MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION....I found that a bit repetitive. Other than that.....the general idea and the whole poem was written quite nicely. Well done on this one! Hope to read more in the near future!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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anomaly187 Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 284San Francisco,CA,US |
although i don't especially like elizabethan poetry(mostly cause i don't like being restricted to a certain type of form and because i can't do it) i thought this was an outstanding first-post for you..and dopey you're right, there are 7...only other thing i notice is that you should keep saying thy instead of the to keep it Elizabethan like..overall a great piece of work..i look foward to your future posts..so hurro up and post some more.. p.s. don't forget to reply to others poems..not only will you get more feedback but you'll be more part of the ocmmunity "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
Welcome to the joint. Pretty good first post I'd say. I don't write this style so I'm no expert but I think "Thy eyes" should be "Thine eyes". We'll look for more of your work. Krawdad |
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litle_krazy_poet Member
since 2001-01-17
Posts 71 |
well liked the poem it is something different. you can use thine meaning your or your's well thanks for the post ~Matt~  somethings need poems and then there are thoes that are just for fun |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Welcome, welcome to a little slice of insanity called Passions.  Kidding people! lolThis was a really good attempt at an Elizabethan poem. The point you were getting arcoss was clear. However, you may want to work on how many times you use a word. I know I am not an expert but to make it just that tad more exciting, change some of the repeating words. Don't get me wrong, I am not picking ok. Just passing what I hope to be constructive criticism. Apart from that, there were some nice descriptions. Nice.  ~AF~ "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Buddha |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
This isn't bad at all. I, personally, don't favor Elizabethan either, because I hate such restrictions. But if you can do it, go for it. And if you're just starting this form of poetry, it's okay that you repeat words, no biggie. Most of the stuff like this that I read say "thou" "thy" and "thine" over and over, so don't worry. Keep posting!! xoxo Jenn "A person can never get over a broken heart if they aren't willing to let go of all of the pieces."-- ?? |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Welcome to Passions EskimoMafia! We are very happy you have decided to join our community of poetry friendship. This was a wonderful first post ... a lovely style, and very well expressed. I hope to read more of your poetry and your responses to our wonderful family of poets! (check your e-mail for a special message) Best wishes, /Kit |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Oohhh pretty. I liked this much upon much. I'm debating on wether I like the style, but I do know for sure that I love the poem. Welcome to this wonderful world, yer gonna love it. ~Carly inspiration of my art search for light out of the dark all the pictures in my heart lie awake there in my fog... |
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EskimoMafia New Member
since 2001-01-12
Posts 2Minnesota, USA |
ok, i understand i used thy too much. Thanks for the awesome replys! |
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sweetstuff101 Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 375OK, USA |
Beautiful...hehe! I luved it! That was really awesome...thanx for the read, keep up the great work!! Much Luv, ~*~S*W*E*E*T*S*T*U*F*F~*~ How come it is so easy for a person to say "I hate you," but it is so difficult for someone to say "I love you" and really mean it???? |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I love it. I've always loved old english. I do too have written poems in old english but have not really shared them. But this is beautiful. You're learning real good I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Hallie_Angel Member
since 2000-12-06
Posts 102 |
Welcome to Passions!!! With practice comes perfection in time! Good Job on your first here! ~Catherine |
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