our breakup: the aftermath

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quitstaringatmenow
Junior Member

since 2001-06-06

Posts 10

0 posted 2001-06-08 12:44 PM

This is my first (vain) attempt at a sonnet. I've never written one before so give me a lot of suggestions on this one. (these things are harder to write than the seem, eh?)

This weary world's most heartbroken poet
Cannot describe the breadth of my young pain
I have you no more; look how I show it
My heart knows without you I'll grow insane
Tears outline paper-thin exteriors
My forget-me-not smiles did not work
Nor did my stainless steel posteriors
Shadows of you (in my memory) lurk
Haunted and hopeless; I lie here tonight
Ghosts keep taunting me-sweet silent torture
My helpless addiction to your sweet light
Has caused heart failure: our love is no more
No hope, no laughter, no dawn without you
I now take this stave and bid you adieu

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-06-08 12:51 PM

i enjoyed this poem...but i to be honest...ummm about sonnets?...but allan's the guy that could help you lots on that subject...personally i think this was quite nicely written

...great job!...bye

i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

2 posted 2001-06-09 12:37 PM

I don't know what a sonnet is hahahaha- so I can't help ya out. Sorry.
BUT- The poem itself- I liked alot. Well written! Keep posting.

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

3 posted 2001-06-09 05:18 PM

I like this poem, but I couldn't tell you anythign about sonnets, LMAO.

I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-06-10 01:24 AM

"My forget-me-not smiles did not work"
That line was wowness.......I thought that this was just beautiful.....well....sad, but nonetheless the poem was nicely written and thus beautiful.
Anyway, I hope you cope with your trying times and let time heal you. Good luck.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

5 posted 2001-06-10 02:48 AM

I loved this. great job.

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

6 posted 2001-06-10 02:49 AM

i'm glad i introduced you into the wonderful world of sonnets.

you have a natural flair for this type of poetry i must say.

however, you might want to tweak up this line:

"My forget-me-not smiles did not work"

you're missing half of an iambic foot.

*smiles*

all the best,

love your sonnets

- jen

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