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LCsftball16
Junior Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 39

0 posted 2001-05-23 06:24 PM

I dedicated this poem to a guy that got killed at my school recently...however it didn't turn out how I wanted it to. It feels like it's missing something. Any ideas??

Did you hear the blue birds sing?
Could you hear the church bells ring?
Did you stop to watch children play?
Wasn't worth it anyway.

Could you enjoy a summer rain?
Did a girl cause you pain?
Could you go out more than time allowed?
Doesn't matter anyhow.

Did you see someone cry?
Could you watch someone die?
Did you see life like this everyday?
Even before you went away?

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-23 06:27 PM

written very well...with emotions telled well..i enjoyed the read as i see it where i lived everyday the violence and everything...not only at school but on the streets everywhwere its sad to see iut but some have to deal with it...thanks for sharing it tho...i liked the poem...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2001-05-23 07:00 PM

I really feel as if what you have so far ROCKS COMPLETELY!!!! However, I feel there is at least 2 stanzas that could be added to complete it. There is something missing, a conclusion....
Anyway, you asked for opinions..so yea.
Hope to see more.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

3 posted 2001-05-23 07:29 PM

wow...i really love this, its sooo awosme, its sad, but written very well, i think dopes is right add a staza or two and ya got your self an even more great poem

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-05-23 07:59 PM

Just an additional stanza or two would make it perfect. But still a beautiful poem. I'm very impressed, I'd love to see the final piece.

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2001-05-23 08:03 PM

I agree, it needs a little bit more...an ending...but yes, what you have here so far, is really good

SEA

[This message has been edited by SEA (edited 05-23-2001).]

LCsftball16
Junior Member

since 2001-05-17

Posts 39

6 posted 2001-05-23 10:21 PM

Thanks! I'll work on it and post it when I'm finished!

KeLicious
New Member

since 2001-05-24

Posts 9
PA, USA

7 posted 2001-05-24 04:42 PM

Hey hun,
This poem rocks as usual, you are my favorite poet! I love all your poems, and I'm sure Lewis appreciated this one, LC is the best!! lov, kel!

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

8 posted 2001-05-29 02:34 PM

this was so sad...i read it a couple of times and it realy made me think...wonderfully written...great job...

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

9 posted 2001-05-29 11:35 PM

I agree completely with Javier. Also if you are going to want critiques, I think you should activate your critique flag in your profile, where it says "encourage critiques?" Some people overlook this and then regret it later.
Nice read.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

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