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Teen Poetry #4
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fozzyozzy
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since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-05-17 09:25 PM


Sonnet

Gentle raindrops slowly creeping
Captive on the leaves are keeping
Love for you shan't be lost
Death, Despair is no cost
Lover's lie from flattering foe
Love for you will always grow
Turned about so amiss
Lips without maiden's kiss
What for what to hold you
To kiss, caress, and know you
Cliche and burning fire
Set to describe my deep desire
Love, lady, dost though love me
Love, lady, dost though miss me
Phoenix and dove; beautious pair
Bird of fire, love bird of air
Do soar together on rainy breeze
Within darkened shadows with lover's ease
     Bird of fire has caught my heart
     Leave it to no soul tear us apart

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
Robert Fr

© Copyright 2001 Sean Michael DeFlora - All Rights Reserved
LoveBug
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since 2000-01-08
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1 posted 2001-05-17 09:33 PM


This is a wonderful poem... some really deep and touching emotions here. I really enjoyed this, but it isn't quite a sonnet. From the couplet, it seems like you're trying for Shakespearean. These sonnets have 14 lines, and the rhyme scheme is a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-g. There are a lot of other things, including iambic pentamter and the content of the sonnet itself. If you have any other questions, feel free to e-mail me. I'm just beginning to start on sonnets myself, and I'll be glad to help you. Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

obscurity of cloud
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since 2001-05-11
Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....
2 posted 2001-05-17 09:37 PM


This has such a neat flow, but the title makes it a little confusing (see above expert sonnet advice).  Keep posting!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

fozzyozzy
Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia
3 posted 2001-05-17 10:33 PM


Thanks I should've realized it wasn't a real sonnet.  Therefore, I rename this piece...


"Phoenix and Dove"

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
Robert Fr

Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
4 posted 2001-05-18 12:24 PM


Go Erica!  
She's getting technical... I love that!     Way to go, girl!

Oh and Ozz, sonnet or not this poem rocks.  One of the better ones I have seen from you by sure.     Very, very nice work.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

anonymous albert ?
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since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

5 posted 2001-05-18 02:46 AM


nice flow...in a great poem...the meaning behind it was also enjoyable...i liked the whole poem overall...keep writing... ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

banburycross
Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
6 posted 2001-05-18 01:16 PM


sonnet or not, i like this piece a lot, you wrote it very well.  i would be interested to see the results if you tried to follow that format that Erica gave to you, i think you could do well with that.  anyway, great job and keep posting.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

dramaqueen22086
Member
since 2001-05-05
Posts 50
Hadlyme, CT
7 posted 2001-05-18 04:55 PM


I especially liked this section a lot…. I think you are a very good, writer, you should put some of your stuff in a poem… and sell it I know I would buy it, if it were me…. seriously job again
~!kellie!~

Dopey Dope
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since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
8 posted 2001-05-19 03:15 PM


Well done on this one. I liked it even thought it wasn't a real sonnet. I thought the poem was beautifully written anyway!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

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