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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2001-05-12 01:15 AM

Here, the pigeons collect daily allowance
While the city remains on the brink of madness,
And a tear is enough to tip the balance
And erase its grayness off the azure atlas.

With each day, you’re closer to the Armageddon
And Frost was wrong, it’s neither ice nor fire.
But the natives remain, while the rats abandon
The yielding ship as it sinks in mire.

Watchful eyes observe as the water rises.
The fog condenses making it all fictitious,
and nothing stirs in the time of crisis.
The city drowns, becomes food for fishes.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2001-05-12 09:21 AM

Master:

Impressive writing. I liked the use of the classical symbolic image of a ship! Quite impressive.

As far as critiques go, perhaps you might like to try making each stanza a sentence in itself. I just think that might make it flow a little better.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

2 posted 2001-05-12 11:06 AM

I was in Venice not to long ago. You sketched a picture of the city. The symolism was awesome.
another great one!

Regina

"Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you"bon jovi

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-05-14 04:50 PM

It's perfect as it is
I'm always amazed with your poems
keep writing my friend

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-05-15 04:01 AM

Your work is always wonderful to read, but this one didn't hit me as much as most of your others do. It lacked some sort of punch that most of your poems have.
Nicely done though, it's always a treat to see your name up on the boards.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

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