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Teen Poetry #4
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Delving Deep Within...
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Delving Deep Within... |
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Wood_Stock Member
since 2001-05-09
Posts 58The little yellow |
I know, I know. I'm hoogin the room!! This is my last post today. Enjoy! - Delving Deep Within - (More than you could ever know) I look at you, And it's no surprise. That I can see heaven, Within your eyes. So crystal clear, And pure within. A joyful twinkle, Your eyes never dim. With you I believe it, The myth is right. The window is open, Your soul is bright. Your eyes are so blue, So crisp and sharp. I'm absorbed in their deepness, And warmed in my heart. Should ever your eyes, Shed a tear in sadness. Then I will endeavour, To change it to gladness. For my eyes are different, They are dark and brown. They have seen the world, And have been let down. But your eyes, So pure and free. Have shown me something, I thought was lost in me. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Noel Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
This was sooo beautiful!! It really touched my heart and it's my favorite poem that I have read today. Excellent work, this is going to my library.  ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
your words are beautiful, i like the way you wrote this a lot. the rhyme is good, but the flow beaks off a few times in this, so you might want to tinker with the meter a little bit. this is excellent writing though, i enjoyed this a lot. keep posting all your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I thought the flow should have been fragmented when you count up the lines, but it really wasn't a hinderance to me in the least. I especially like the description you used of the eyes, great job on this piece. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Not one thing wrong with big brown eyes.... this is wonderful |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
i luv the part bout the eyes the best awosme job *KiMMiE* |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this was abeautiful poem...i enjoyed the read...keep writing and sharing...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I loved the intimate descriptions of both yours and the person being addressed's eyes. The double meaning in the colour of your eyes in the second stanza was quite good. As for critiques: Your lines do not appear to be very rhythmic. For example, you could try some meter or perhaps a constant syllable count in your lines. I, myself, have found that a simple pattern of alternating stressed and unstressed with sevel syllables comes most naturally for me. You might like to try it yourself. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
give the writer a break Fractal  I don't care what he says cause I loved it I thought it was very well written thanks for sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
for real! dude...this was awesome!!!  tis goin into my library  *does the this is goin into my library dance* tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive the first time [This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-12-2001).] |
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LoneWolf Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384IL |
This was a very beautiful poem. i thought it was absolutely awesome. i loved this one and i am putting it in my library. It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that. |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
yeah...don't listen to Frac. he never knows what he's talkin about . it is a wonderful poem, and I love the way you related the color of the eyes in the poem. catcha later Stace |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Good job on the poem! The flow did seem off to me in a couple places too, but the others got yelled at for mentioning it, so maybe I should keep quiet? Well, anyway, nice job "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Actually listen to frac....listen to him good.....cuz you asked for critiques and he's giving them. So take them.....and be happy people take the time to delve within the way you wrote a poem to actually critique it. The others are just being goodie goodie's.... I liked the poem....i thought it was good. However I agree with what Frac and Allan said about the poem. I'm also wondering whether 'gladness' is a word at all. I liked it there though. Regardless of it being a word or not it fit hehe. I thought you did well. Keep posting.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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