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Smlie4u87
Junior Member

since 2001-04-28

Posts 16

0 posted 2001-05-05 11:48 PM

Hey everyone! Please tell me what you think of this poem I wrote for my best friend. And please help me with a tite. Thankz!
Always,
Tracy

As treas. come down for my eyes,
thinking why you said that,
why you acted that way,
I begin to remember all the times
we had together. The way you
were always there for me.
The fun times we had together.
The jokes we made. The way you keep
me going on and told me never to give up
when something try's to pull me down.
You were the one who understand me.
You are like no other friend. You were my
best friend. The one I love. The one who was
like a sister to me. The one who was always
there for me. The best friend I will always
love no matter what.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-05-06 03:05 AM

This was good. I enjoyed the poem!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-05-06 12:41 PM

Aww.. very sweet! I like this a lot. I hope you give this to the person it's about.
Nice work.

--Marie

Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-05-06 01:04 PM

great job..i thought it was a sweet poem..
keep writing:superrgin:

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-05-06 05:19 PM

Despite the fact that you don't have a "encourage critiques" flag up, I will assume that you are asking for them anyways due to your forethought.
Now I think that this poem would be better if the line breaks were organized differently.  Don't change the poem, the words in it are great.  In fact, if you are going to be reading this out loud then completely disregard my advice.
Line breaks work usually best when each separate line completes a thought (or sentence, to be a bit more vague).
For example, the ending could read better as...

"You are like no other friend.
You were my best friend.
The one I love.
The one who was like a sister to me.
The one who was always there for me.
The best friend I will always love no matter what."

It's all just a question of readability.

Well that's just my humble advice, take it or leave it. I really liked this poem a lot.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

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