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lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

0 posted 2001-05-04 11:09 PM

the clouds darken over head
as the drops come pounding down
as the water floods the hole im in
i begin to drown

being pulled under water
scrambling to break free
kicking my legs to reach surface
and black water is all i see

scenes flash before my eyes
nothing i shall miss
all my thoughts swirling round in my head
i suddenly dimiss

they dont matter any more
for i am living day by day
i'm loosing breath real quikly
and will be gone soon they say

they watch me drown
and just stand like fools
they dont care about me
im not on of their prescious jeweles

im a stone on the pavment
all worn down and old
as the others they are with
compared to me are gold

my lungs just explode
and twas over for me
we all knew it was comming
all ment to be.

not a body at my fueneral
not 1 tear was shed
the water pulled me under
and now im gone and dead

*KiM*

[This message has been edited by lonely*soul (edited 05-04-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-04 11:12 PM

this was powerful..
and the meaning was a sad one(which i liked

anyways tho..i can totally relate to your poems..
i thought this was a nother great poem..
cya~kim..

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

2 posted 2001-05-04 11:19 PM

Omg...this was so sad and so powerful!! It completely blew me away...but its also a lotta the times how i feel. Like i could literally be standing there dying and everyone would look at me like "its about time..." or something...really morbit huh?? Such an amazing piece!! Excellent job

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-05-05 12:11 PM

I think "Drowning" is a perfect title for the piece.
Very nicely done, Kim! This is such a powerful poem. It's going into my library.. I liked this quite a bit.
Well done! Thank you very much for sharing.

--Marie

Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-05-05 02:48 AM

This was sad. hope you don't think that that is hw the world perceives you to be. We don't think yer that insignificant. We're all important....good luck.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-05-05 02:49 AM

Kimmie, I'm going to give you some unusual advice about rhyming.
I noticed a few stanzas in here where the rhymes seemed to have been used just for the sake of making it rhyme...
Well I personally think that rhyme exists primarily to get us searching for more easily rhymed words, that are a bit more abstract and creative than others.
For example, when you said "precious jewels," it seemed like something you just sort of put there to rhyme with "fools."
Instead of settling for a mediocre rhyme, it might best serve you to think of something else they could stand like...
For example, "stood there like dolls" would be able to rhyme with a lot more versatility, and it sounds to be more of a similie.
Just some advice, Kimmie.  It's something I've noticed a lot of people doing.
Of course this is just my own personal opinion, take it or leave it.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

6 posted 2001-05-05 02:12 PM

thanx guys...i dont think ill ever please allan with any of my poems..now will i?? lol neways thanx for reading my stuff and replying

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

7 posted 2001-05-05 06:05 PM

No no Kimmie, please don't think that! I really love your poetry, I think you have a great talent and are capable of producing some excellent work! And I've seen some that I thought were superb!
I'm just very critical, when I give you a critique I'm only saying how to improve your work, not that it was bad in the first place.
I'm sorry if I gave that impression... please don't misunderstand.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

8 posted 2001-05-05 06:09 PM

all good...no harm done hehe and yeah ur criticl..but its your rep. in passions..hehe cant ruin that...thanx for the imput tho..i do appreciate it!
*KiM*

dramaqueen22086
Member

since 2001-05-05

Posts 50
Hadlyme, CT

9 posted 2001-05-05 07:06 PM

hello kimmie,
this is a really sad poem.... i'm worried about you babe, anyway, i think it's really good. you are a good writter.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

10 posted 2001-06-05 07:14 PM

Kimmie --- I hope you really don't feel this bad about your life. Maybe we can talk one day. Hope things do get better though. Keep ya head up girl

I don't wannna see no tears in em face of yous. AIGHT?

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Allan, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michele,

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