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Godsend_1
Member

since 2001-04-19

Posts 247
great state of illinois

0 posted 2001-05-04 11:42 AM

all I see is depression and oppression
worldly ones quickly falling
people crying over people dying

all i see is broken dreams, hollow hearts
loved ones simply crying
people everywhere wishing for another chance

all i see is bleeding and wailing
dying ones fading away
people wishing they were you not me

all i see is a world callapsing, breaking
foolish ones already dead, to soon
people dreaming of another time

all i see is a closed door, blocked off
impacient ones try and open it to early
people running through the gore

and silently scream for no more

[This message has been edited by Godsend_1 (edited 05-05-2001).]

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

1 posted 2001-05-04 12:59 PM

i thought that some of the repition was good for this piece, buit that certain words such as quickly are made too repititious. i would try to find some different words to convey the same meaning. i also thought that the internal rhyme in a few of the lines made the poem sound a little juvenile. some parts of this are really well written though, so i think that it has the potential to be very good. i think this one deserves a rewrite.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

AngelPoet87
Member

since 2001-04-21

Posts 280
Indy

2 posted 2001-05-04 04:30 PM

Well Ben if your tired of seeing all this I suggest you stop looking my way.

Anyway, this one was defeniatly one of your best, in my opinion that is. I really like it a whole lot. Keep writing.

ali

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-05-04 05:36 PM

I disagree with ban. I think the repititions were perfect, and the poem didn't seem juvenile in the slightest. Very nice job, Ben. I really like this one, and I think that this is one of the best I've read from you. Very nice work.. the flow is excellent and the poem gave off a good vibe.. nicely done.

--Marie

Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-05-05 12:45 PM

I felt you did ok on it.....I liked the ending of it, but I have read better from you Ben. Still though, it was good.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-05-05 03:00 AM

I'm with Peter on this, the repitition was quite overdone. I really didn't like this at all, it did seem like a ten-year-old wrote it.

Hope you don't mind my harsh words.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-05-05 03:27 AM

i liked what you were trying say in this peice..
very good job....i liked it..keep writing..

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

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