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DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

0 posted 2001-05-02 12:28 PM

*k this really sucks and im sorry...but oh well i dont care...it just needed to be posted

for lack of a better title i named it "you"

I can't describe what it is that makes my heart melt
But I do know that you're the reason for everything I've felt

Hearing your voice brings a smile to my face, but a tear to my heart
How can we feel so close, but be so far apart

You have helped me grow into the person that I am today
For that I thank you more than words can say

I may not understand or comprehend all that I feel,
but I do know that I've never felt anything this real

Maybe the most important things are the hardest things to say,
so just know that I'll always love you in some twisted way.

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-02 12:34 PM

i liked it....
this is like the first poem i read from u..
i think u did jus fine..
i thought u wrote this right on the purpose
keep writing kiley

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

2 posted 2001-05-02 07:29 AM

kiley wut u talkin bout hun? i liked it muchs

very sweetish!

tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

3 posted 2001-05-02 10:18 AM

I like it, it's cute.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

4 posted 2001-05-02 12:03 PM

I really liked this poem Kiley, keep posting your stuff.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
~Anonymous

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

5 posted 2001-05-02 01:28 PM

it was good, good.

Very intersting. Amazing imagery and powerful impact.

Regina

"Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you"bon jovi

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

6 posted 2001-05-02 02:07 PM

yep, like this one

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

7 posted 2001-05-02 02:35 PM

This poem had a very consistant theme. Just one suggestion, okay, maybe two. First of all don't make the lines so long. Secondly, the poem seemed choppy when I read it, you might possibly want to work on flow. (Check the number of syllables per line). Overall, good job!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-05-02 02:41 PM

Love is love....hope all works out for you kiley! Nice poem, but not your best.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

9 posted 2001-05-02 06:32 PM

This was really good!!
I loved it.

"I've come too close to happiness, to have it swept away,don't think I can take the pain, never fall again..." Janet

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

10 posted 2001-05-02 08:04 PM

Silver~ I appreciate the comments but the long lines was the effect I was going for...and like my critique comment says...they're just emotions on paper and im not trying to make it look nice..just something I needed to get out

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

11 posted 2001-05-02 09:56 PM

Lovely words Kiley.
You've shown us your feelings clearly again
You deserve to be happy
thanks for sharing.

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

12 posted 2001-05-03 09:43 AM

i really like the way you ended this, i thought that the last line was a nice touch. you did a great job in writing this, i think that the couplets worked well in this piece. keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

13 posted 2001-05-03 01:48 PM

Ditto, ban. The ending was great! I really like the way you wrote this poem with couplets, and the last line was awesome. I enjoyed this.
Nice work!

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

14 posted 2001-05-03 04:21 PM

I enjoyed this one. It was a very true to life poem. I liked the ending the best, boy do I know how you felt!
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

15 posted 2001-05-03 10:17 PM

thanks everyone

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

IsGona
Senior Member

since 2000-07-14

Posts 723

16 posted 2001-05-03 11:54 PM

For me???? awwww thank you... hehe

*Serious now*
This was a good poem.
the last line:
"""
so just know that I'll always love you in some twisted way.
"""
Was actually caught me off gaurd but I understand what you meant by it and yeah, I like it so good job DQ
*not serious again* (it never lasts)
or should I say
SCP
SL
GB

you pick I can't decide

Jason

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