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Teen Poetry #4
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Two Lovers Aside
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Two Lovers Aside |
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GirlsBestFriend Member
since 2000-12-27
Posts 71Planet Earth |
first, can anyone help me by telling me whatever he/she thinks about my writings? how to improve it? I hope y'all like this one. it's a little different from my usual but I'm not leaving my own favorite style! ~this is about two ppl were in love in the past. now SHE has a boyfriend, and HE's going with a girl but HE still remembers HER (his ex-gf)~ Can you honey recall that night... As I was speakin' 'bout my dreams and wishes? Wanna be spaceman ain't it slight? Held my left hand said you love me. Suppose emotions stops, alright! Love now reached end, how you're gonna be? Will you two have a fight? Strength and believing that's all you need. It's the point of being apart! Plus it's true, and honest, yes indeed. Yet I'll always be that friend there for you! Just as promised 'til life breaks down. Yes, lies were here and love is moving slow, Real volition can do it with protection though! Was down before you kissed me said "I love you," Then said keep it up your good work we'll make it through. What matters now if my girl is not showing love? Her devotion to me so clear cause I see and think no one does! Therefore I'm wondring just why...it ain't tough?! 'Cause I love her but not saying is like dreaming it's never enough! ~lotsa luv< !signature--> "Isn't it funny how to the world you are nothing? But then to one person..you're the world" [This message has been edited by GirlsBestFriend (edited 01-21-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mohammed Hammad - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Why would you ever wish to improve your writing? Each writer has his/her own flaws... that is what makes poetry so beautiful. Perhaps if I had some flaws, i would be a better poet? ^_^ Joking aside, i really did enjoy this piece... you have an interesting style, GBF. I want more! MORE! -Allan |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was great. I think this style is really good. Quite contemporary, kinda like a pop-art painting. Very nice here. I do think that there is room for improvement in every writer.......so just keep on writing.....perfect practice makes perfect.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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GirlsBestFriend Member
since 2000-12-27
Posts 71Planet Earth |
thanks. as I said, it's a little different from my usual but I'm not leaving my own favorite style! gotta practice more!!! ~lotsa luv< !signature--> "Isn't it funny how to the world you are nothing? But then to one person..you're the world" [This message has been edited by GirlsBestFriend (edited 01-21-2001).] |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
I really like this piece. Like I said earlier, the best thing is practice! Keep it up! "Where there is great love there are always miracles" -Cather "Love heals everything, and love is all there is"- Zukav |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Hello hello hello! I gotta say, your style has a way of bringing the reader right to the atmosphere of what you're talking about. I really enjoy that about your work.  Keep postin.~Carly inspiration of my art search for light out of the dark all the pictures in my heart lie awake there in my fog... |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
It's hard to just tell someone how to improve their writing, because who would we be to tell them what better writing is?? They have to know what they want to improve on if anything's going to get done. I really liked this style and I think it communicated your message well, so I do not see a lot that needs to be improved (in my opinion). Nice job on this one "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I agree with Lovebug and with Lake at the same time. You have your own style so it's up to you to improve your writing. Practie makes perfect --- well, at least close to it  I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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