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Teen Poetry #4
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| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Hi im Back |
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Some One Junior Member
since 2001-04-07
Posts 10 |
Where are you going, What did I ever do? Why are you leaving me, I didn't do anything to you. I don't deserve this, I haven't done anything wrong. We should be able to work this out, Because we've been together so long. You cannot do this to me, I love you a lot. The love I give you, Is something that cannot be bought. If you don't love me anymore, Then go and leave me behind. The important thing is, It's your loss... and not mine. But is anything I say true? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Some One - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
nice poem..i liked it but..i think while u were gone i became a member soo...nice meetin u  and keep writing.....  ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The poem would have been good standing alone, but the last line really made it shine. Marvelous job on this one. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Great job here....very sad situation. Hope all gets well.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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williamthepoet Junior Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 10 |
i dont meant to critique you too roughly however, i thought it needed some work. Your poem started out strong in the first two stanzas, but the in the 3rd stanza the rhyming just seemed forced and it lost something. "a lot" just doesnt feel appropriate after i love you. then it seems to become indifferent towards the love you just described. "If you don't love me anymore, Then go and leave me behind." could be reworded. it seems a little bit redundant and overly wordy. "it's your loss not mine" seems to go against the nature of the poem, and seems cliche-ish. [This message has been edited by williamthepoet (edited 04-25-2001).] |
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katherine Member
since 2000-06-10
Posts 365Canberra Australia |
well i liked it. ~kate Life will always go on just remember to stay focused and positive. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow.. this is really good! Welcome back, I hope to see more. I liked this a lot, nice job. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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Suga_Baby Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380Maine, USA |
OOOH I like this... reminds me of my own past  "A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep." |
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Godsend_1 Member
since 2001-04-19
Posts 247great state of illinois |
well i must say i loved this poem i think the last line was perfect and how you told your self that it was their loss not yours and ppl try and tell themselvs that all the time and i dont think ppl ever really belive it even though it can be true ya know anywho i loved it a ton later ben redshaw the great and now and forever totally in love i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be......so deal with it |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, I must say this isn't your best but its still a great poem. Until your next masterpeice -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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