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Rach813
Junior Member

since 2001-04-17

Posts 30
Maine

0 posted 2001-04-20 01:20 PM

If the stars would grant me a wish, I would wish you here with me. Cause with out you I just can't be me.

If the stars would tell you how I'm nothing with out you, and when you say hi I feel like you are just too good to be true.

If the stars spoke to you and told you that with out you I would die, that in my life time I have never met such a guy, would you run here to always be by my side?

If the stars could only tell you how I watch you when you pass my way, and if they could tell you that I look forward to seeing you everyday.

If the stars could only tell you that for you I would walk a thousand miles. Just for a minute of your smiles.

I'm sure that if the could tell you how I love you so, you would finally realize that if you give me a chance I would never let you go!!!

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-04-20 07:43 PM

Good job! I feel that you could have improved the flow signifigantly had you broken the lines into smaller, but more lines.

I know when you get it on paper it's all the same pretty much, but a format to read can look nicer with a bit of attention to its organization.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-04-20 10:42 PM

Ditto, Allan.
This poemis very well written, but would flow much easier with more line breaks.
I liked this, nonetheless. Nice job.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-04-20 11:18 PM

well written and I guess Allan already mentioned what I was gonna bring up. keep sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-04-21 02:10 AM

I enjoyed this poem a lot. Very good read.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

5 posted 2001-04-21 02:11 AM

good job...keep writing

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

6 posted 2001-04-21 06:38 AM

i thought that that was great!!!
keep up the good work..

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

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