Annihilation of the species

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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2001-04-18 04:35 PM

Annihilation of the species.

Facing annihilation,
We have a common goal,
but it takes some complication,
To find our common soul,
Were a species of great destruction,
We’ll create our armageddon,
We don’t need the devils instruction,
As a species what have we done?
Humankind the rapist,
Unintelligent, uncontrolable,
We need some kind of therapist,
Or something to balance the table,
We need to be hunted down,
Or to fight a bloody war,
You look at me and frown,
But we need destruction unlike before,
We need a check and balance,
To keep us in harmony,
We all know it makes sense,
It will be better, we’ll be free.

<<<_ Andrew_>>>

" No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe."

E-mail/Msn: Targetmrzu@hotmail.com

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

1 posted 2001-04-18 05:08 PM

i thought that the rhyme was a little off in this one and it threw the flow off. I really like the theme of this one though and i think it is worth a little bit of editing because it certainly has the potential to be a great poem. keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2001-04-19 02:33 AM

I liked this.....felt the poem was a bit scattered in ryhme and flow.
I wasn't paying much attention to that though. I was drawn in my the topic and message. I liked it, but hope you know that humandkind has also come up with some pretty great inventions and intellectual discoveries and so on.

Well done!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-04-19 10:48 AM

I didn't like this one as much as I have the others I've seen from you. Although well-written, I feel that you might want to go back and work on and th structure and rhyming a little bit. Thanks for sharing.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-04-19 12:10 PM

Are you all trying to make up for my absence?

I'm... so proud of all of you young critics... *sob*

I'll agree, it was the fact that a lot of rhymes were hard to see being "perfect," like "Rapist" and "Therapist."
The idea of the poem was great, the interlocking rhyme scheme idea is a good idea, but you should go back and revise it, if you ask me.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

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