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purple flowers
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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purple flowers |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... 
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this is my first poem in here. i know it dosne compare to what sum of you guys come up with. but ill give it a shot... here goes Purple Flowers The paper is blank. Somebody draws a flower on it In Red, Green and a bit of Yellow. We watch it grow This Somebody and I, From a little red flower To a beautiful rose bush In a big garden Full of sun and life. I like this Somebody. He draws the garden And the butterflies And the little brown things With shells on their backs. He calls them 'snails'. I watch him draw. And after a while I want to draw. I want purple flowers And a gum tree and A little wading pool- Like the one outside. He draws with his left hand -not like me. Roses are nice he tells me, Purple flowers are UGLY. Gardens shouldnt have wading pools, You're just like your mother. He rests and snores and mumbles something about 'Transactions'. The roses are purple now and There's a great big gum tree in the middle And a little wading pool for the children. The garden is perfect. But now the paper is gone. |
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| © Copyright 2001 cherish - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS CHERISH! mua!! Good to see you in here posting now cutie pie! It's always good to see a new member join, especially a kick butt person like you. Wonderful poem. You know I liked this one. So I hope to see you post more! MORE!!!!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I liked this one a lot. A lot of symbolism seems to be here. You are quite creative, and I look forward to more posts from you. As for critiques, I think that the rather verbal form of presentation in this poem is quite good. I don't really have too much to criticize, so I'll wait to see more of your posts and then give u some suggestions from my own experience. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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katherine Member
since 2000-06-10
Posts 365Canberra Australia |
dude this poem fully rocks! wow! i loved it! keep it up! ~kate 'Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.' |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Buddy of Javier's, eh?  Welcome to Passions! This was a really terrific first post...mmm flowers are pretty...Well I hope to see you posting more soon, I like whatcha got so far!! Oh and..don't forget to check your email. ~Carly There are pleasures in poetic pains that only poets know......~Unknown |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!! The welcoming comittee here really overdoes itself, just a warning. HEHE. Anyway, great first post. Lots of potential in this one. Keep posting! *If the only place I can live my dreams is in my sleep, then I'll sleep forever!* |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This first post was amazing! its going in my library. amazing! Regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Ok, I'm assuming this is either Javier's friend, or he's lost it. Both are probablities... Looking at the poem itself, I really must comment on the tense you put it in. The story of the poem was excellent, as is the poem itself, but I wonder how it would look in past tense? It seems to me that story poems like this work better when written in past tense. Of course, that's only my experience. I'd at least try this poem out in a different tense and see how it sounds. That is, if you're into all that stuff. Still this poem really got me thinking... hope to see a lot more of you in here, and welcome to Passions in Poetry.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! I could just picture everything as i read...very descriptive which is NICE! I cant wait to read more from you so please keep them coming! im glad you decided to join us and welcome again! |
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Hand Me Down Junior Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 32WV |
Welcome to passions! This poem rocked, want to see more soon "Cause I can't fix something this complex anymore than I can build a rose" |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! Seems like you've made Dopey so happy by joining  I wonder why Well, for you first post, I do agree with the rest. I like your style, I love free verse I'm very impressed "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Welcome to Passions, Cherish! This is a great first post to start things out here.. I know you'll like it here. Keep posting, becuase I can't wait to read more from you. Nicely done. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
thanx guys!!..im glad you enjoyed that poem - your comments are well appreciated...you guys are so SWEET! allan..i tend to change tense on purpose..you'll see it in sum of my other poems..using the present tense brings it into the "here and now"- sumtimes its a real issue with me...thanx for the constructive criticism it helps javvie!!!...you've managed to embarrassed me already...hehehehe..  ..*runs-trips-falls flat on her face*..mua!thanx for your comments "Life is not long and boring, |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Alright, so we all know you wrote this a million years ago but it was so awesome I just HAD to reply. Like frac said, there is quite a bit of symbolism in this. When you broke up the lines it made it more real. When you read some poems they lose that simple element of being able to connect with the reader. This line, "He rests and snores and mumbles something about 'Transactions'." really made it sink in that it wasn't just some other poem. Thanks for the read, chicky. ~AF~ "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams |
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Postman Pat Junior Member
since 2001-08-05
Posts 23The Great Land DownUnder |
Hey babe (or bebe!). This is the first time I've read this one from you. I liked this one a lot. I think i know what its about- or WHO its about- so i hope you're doing ok with it now *hugs*. The poem-like everyone said is excellent. You're a wonderful writer!I'm going to see your other ones now! |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
This is a great first post, shame it took me so long to discover it. I really love this especially the ending. |
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