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TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

0 posted 2001-04-15 04:45 PM

I look up in the sky I see black instaed of blue
The path I'm walking down is ending I don't know what to do.

In my heart and soul the pain I can not bare
Everyone Is staring at me but for some reason I don't care.

All I want is for this terrible nightmare to end
So the holes in my heart will be able to heal and be able to mend.

I'm stuck in this never ending circle there is no way out
A circle filled with sorrow a circle filled with doubt.

My whole life is pretty much one huge blur
Because of all the sad situations and pain I've had to indure.

Everything in my life has left me in confusion, even though I don't want to die
Because no matter how bad things get I'm not ready to say goodbye!

Lauren

Well it's been a few months since I've posted a poem because I couldn't seem to write one. But then the other day I was sitting in class and it came to me.

[This message has been edited by TopGunLauren (edited 04-15-2001).]

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

1 posted 2001-04-15 05:08 PM

"Everything in my life has left me in confusion, even though I don't want to die
Because no matter how bad things get I'm not ready to say goodbye"

That's a good thing that you don't want to say goodbye

This is a good poem. I think the couplets could have more line breaks and maybe make 4 lines in each stanza? Just a suggestion..
This poem is filled with pain. I'm sorry that things are hard right now. I hope everything gets better soon.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

2 posted 2001-04-15 05:11 PM

We all have times that we feel this way, when the world seems really dark and cold. You describe it well, and I'm glad to see that you realize nothing is worth taking your life over. Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

3 posted 2001-04-15 05:56 PM

Thanx for your replies!
Lauren

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-04-15 06:09 PM

I agree with Marie 100%... you should stanza this instead of keeping it in couplets.
Oh and from now on, if you put "please read" in your title, I will not bother to read it. Your poetry is no more important than any of ours. And there are many people who are the same way as me, so you'll find it's best not to put that in your title.
Just a piece of advice.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

5 posted 2001-04-15 08:08 PM

I'm sorry but I don't think you should be telling me how to write my poems. Because I'm not worried about stanza's and all that because poetry is about feelings and emotions to me. So don't tell me my poem would be better another way because it's still going to have the same words and same meaning!
Lauren

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

6 posted 2001-04-15 10:04 PM

Don't let things bother you Lauren, and please don't leave. I've missed you around here! You finally come back and now you're ready to leave again. Uggh~we'll talk about this later..

-=We often get hurt when we trust someone we want them to be instead of who they really are=-

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

7 posted 2001-04-15 11:17 PM

Fading Away and Allan are both making unwarranted assumptions and perhaps should take a few moments to review the Guidelines about Who are we?

quote:
It should always be remembered that our inherent diversity extends not only to what we write, but also to why. Everyone here writes for different reasons, and most of us post our work for equally different reasons.

Some are here to share what they've learned about this craft we call writing, some to learn (and we would hope those two groups overlap), some to simply express themselves, some to find support and understanding from others of like spirit, some to appreciate and participate in the beauty of writing, some to enrich and further their understanding of life, some with the hope of touching the lives of others in a meaningful way - the list extends nearly to the limits of human differences. Any reason for reading or writing is a valid reason. And all are welcome at Passions.

It is perfectly acceptable - desirable - to help your fellow Passions Members fulfill their reasons for being here. Just don't be surprised, confused, or offended to discover they may not be here for the same reason you are.

The new software has a Critique Flag in everyone's Profile for a reason, guys. If you click on the Reply icon and don't see a message indicating the poet is interested in critiques, then don't offer advice on how to write. Don't assume your reason for being here is the only valid reason, because it's not. It's really as simple as that.

And, Allan, while you certainly have every right to respond when and where you wish, you should realize there are inherent problems with setting up arbitrary standards. You obviously have a pet peeve about people using "Please Read" in the title, but that's just one of thousands of potential standards, all equally arbitrary and all equally self-limiting. Some people will stop reading poetry because of "Please Read," some because the title contains too many exclamation points or (my pet peeve) a hundred and one ellipses, some because it's in all CAPS, some because cliché words like "soul" or "rose" are used, and some because perhaps the spelling was less than perfect. I personally think all of those are valid reasons to skip someone's post. Of course, at some point, when everyone has set their personal standards to their own arbitrary set of "rules," we end up with no one ever replying to any poem.

This place not only encourages diversity, guys, it thrives on diversity. Not everyone writes for the same reasons, not everyone posts for the same reasons, and not everyone is going to have the same pet peeves. And that's good. Because if we were all too much alike, none of us would ever have the opportunity to learn and grow.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-04-16 02:56 PM

I thought you did well. Keep positive and stay strong.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2001-04-16 04:15 PM

I thought you did very well, I enjoyed this piece loads... Keep your chin up and keep on posting.
<<_ Andrew _>>

" No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe."

E-mail/Msn: [email protected]

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

10 posted 2001-04-16 04:32 PM

I think this poem was great lauren! I also think that you and everyone else should be free to write their poems in any format or way that they want. Thats what makes people an individual...This is your poem...do with it as you choose. AND DONT LEAVE!!!!!!!!!

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

11 posted 2001-04-17 12:46 PM

I like this poem a lot and i certainly hope you don't leave. it is certainly your descision if you don't want any critiques on your work but i know that allan and marie were not attempting to make a personal attack against you by offering a little advice. anyway, keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

12 posted 2001-04-17 12:51 PM

Hey,

I agree with everything ban. said nuff said

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

13 posted 2001-04-25 10:34 PM

After reading all your replies I have decided to keep posting for now. I just hope we all can see that this should be a safe place where we can openly share are peoms without worrying about how we write them.SO maybe next time beforeone of you decides to tell someone how to write there poems you will think twice.

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