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Teen Poetry #4
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Lolli-Snitch
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Lolli-Snitch |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
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NOTE: To those who don't know what these rounds and tracks are. I devide all my work in trains of thought. They usually go up to 55 poems a group but the 6th Round was triple that so it took longer to post them all up than expected. I started posting with my first pieces and wanted the readers to ultimately see how I CURRENTLY write. Well this is it folks. It took 8 months....these are my CURRENT styles, my CURRENT feelings, my CURRENT poems and songs. This is a SONG of mine... Lolli-Snitch: Lolli-snitch your heart a fire. Burning embers of my desire. Lolli-snitch smiling with light. Flaming feel of what was right. Lolli-snitch with sense a feel. Sinking low with mind not real. Lolli-snitch and death freak soul Sing their song of downer blow. Rest your head still It's ok. See beyond her, Only way. Rest your head still All night long. It'll be over, This heartless song. Days of clover. Lips of life. Sex appeal, Yet not my wife. Days of clover. Your hearts a stone. Living you, My walking bone. Lolli-snitch your heart a fire. Burning embers of my desire. Lolli-snitch with sense a feel. Sinking low with mind not real. Rest your head still It's ok. See beyond her, Only way. Rest your head still All night long. It'll be over, This heartless song.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily [This message has been edited by Dopey_Dope (edited 04-13-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
JAVIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi! Haha! DUDE! THIS WAS COOOOOL! I loved it. I really did. And still do, cuz the lovin neva stops right? Right! Ok! Yeah! Man! I'm soo glad to see your new stuff! Man! Sheesh! GREAT! Yeah! YEAH!!! ~Carly  NOTE TO SELF: Live to love and love to live. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Good job, Javier! This is a song, so I think rhythm is important to be defined. In reading this I had a few concerns about syllable counts... for example "It'll be over" was a bit too many. I thought "It will end" or something 3-syll worked much better... just my opinion though. "Burning embers of my desire" was also sylliblically flow-harming. I really like this song so if it sings differently than I was reading, let me know... otherwise, I think it's worth a once-over in revision. And as Acire would say, where's my MP3? ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
this was awesome!rock on!!! Regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
It's nice to know youll be posting a lot again Dopey. I've always enjoyed your poems and I do believe I will enjoy the others. Keep em coming "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
I really like this song, Javier. It's a great way to start what I'm sure will be a great round. Keep 'em coming!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Well thank you for explaining the tracks and such because I was lost. Wouldn't be the first time that happened though. lol Nice to see your new works. I love your style. I think I've told you that before, but I figured I'd remind you. So naturally, I love this song too. It's great. I had a dream once that I could fly and I laughed at everyone and kicked them in the back of the head because they couldn't fly too. :) |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
awesome poem there"WOW" great job on another poem dopey. keep writin [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).] |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
Hey, Javier. This is good, man.  I like the unconventional style and the abstract imagery it evokes. Nice job! "I hate quotes, they suck!" |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Hey Dopey, you posted a new one! I'm gonna print this out and read it better (in a deeper way) tonight. But for now I'll tell nice job and thanks for sharing!"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
This is a really incredible song!! and i was glad to hear that i'll be getting to read more of your current work. i look forward to it. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thanks all......this song .....well it's pretty deep. There's some good symbolism in that one. This song i'm actually proud of. I plan on writing music for it sometime within the next decade haha.... Anyhow....if any of you would like an explanation cuz some of the symbolism flew over you or you'd like to get a better interpretation of it....i'd be glad to post it up. This is the first poem of the 7th Track....aside from all my other groups I find the 7th track to be far more sophisticated, and at the same time childish than the other tracks. I delve within symbolism and meaning on a whole new level. I'll get better, HOPEFULLY, as time ticks by.....and I go back into older styles of mine and so on. I look forward to posting more.....but later....much later. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Dopey, I'd definitely like to here your explaination of this. When I read it, I mostly wondered what "Living you, My walking bone." and "Lolli-snitch and death freak soul" meant. I think those words sound so cool together- death freak soul, but I'm wondering what your meaning is. I really liked the chorus on this one Well, I await your wise words "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is a great song! I could actually sing it in my head, which I usually can't do with most of the songs that are posted. Great job! --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
i say that is 8 months well spent..good job!!! i liked it alot hehe <3 *~KiM~* " im surrounded by people, but yet im still all alone" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Reply after my explanation so I know I didn't do it in vain I Lolli-snitch your heart a fire.= Ok well my X really made me mad and I decided to make her into a character called Lolli-Snitch. It's not really Lolli-Snitch but guidelines are necesarry here so I edited it. Anyhow here it's saying that her heart is on fire and burning up in decay. Burning embers of my desire.= Something that's also burning is my desire, or my love for her. Lolli-snitch smiling with light.= She smiles pure even though she knows she's killing me. Flaming feel of what was right.= The feel of what was right.....the past flame of passion and so on. It's in the past...gone.... II Lolli-snitch with sense a feel.= She obviously has senses to feel. Sinking low with mind not real.= But their sinking low with her false feeling and so on. As if to say everything she feels and is is just a lie. Lolli-snitch and death freak soul= Here I mention another character. Death Freak Soul is ME. I was dying on the inside and I felt like a freak due to my insecurities that she caused. My soul felt like a death freak. So that's how I named him. Sing their song of downer blow.= Since this is a song I say that this is OUR song of Downer Blow....or....Low Blows...I just reversed that up. III Rest your head still= This is ME talking to Death freak soul and telling him to relax. It's ok.= duh See beyond her,= Look beyond her, try to get over it. Only way.= duh Rest your head still= said it All night long.= duh It'll be over,= The pain will be over. all of it....including This heartless song.= this song IV Days of clover.= Days of luck. Symbolism of the good days. The way it used to be and how I'd like for it to become again. Lips of life.= She had awesome lips and she kissed amazing. Her lips were always an upliftr for me and I still adore them. So I portrayed them to be kind of like a Goddess type form of lips that give life. Sex appeal, Yet not my wife.= I'm saying that my X had sex appeal but wasn't my wife. So why should I stick around and take it (obviously I couldn't just stop loving, but hey). Days of clover. Your hearts a stone.= I'm just saying that I want the lucky days to come again, but her heart is a stone and unmoveable. As if to say that it will never happen again. Living you, My walking bone.= This is symbolism of attachment. I lived for her....she was my walking bone. I needed her to walk and thus without having her I could not walk....or live. It was my undying attachment for her that kept me "alive". V (all this already said above) Lolli-snitch your heart a fire. Burning embers of my desire. Lolli-snitch with sense a feel. Sinking low with mind not real. VI (all this said above) Rest your head still It's ok. See beyond her, Only way. Rest your head still All night long. It'll be over, This heartless song. Basic meaning: I was too attached to this woman. I was so in love with her and then just dropped like a bad habit. I was crushed, yet couldn't get rid of the feeling. I still have not managed to get rid of it all. This song states her state of being and my state of attachment. So that's it folks! I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Click! (the sound of my brain having an understanding.) Thanks bro!~Carly There are pleasures in poetic pains that only poets know......~Unknown |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Wow This is excellent Dopey... the explanation helped loads... I really enjoyed reading it. <<_Andrew_>> " No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe." |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
Dude this poem\song was awesome. It's one of the first i've read of yours and i can't wait to read more! *S*Staci |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I actually understood some of the symbolizism before the explaination! Go me! Thanks for posting this to help me out on the parts I missed! Can I put another sentence in my reply with and exclamation point!?! You bet! Nice job on the song! "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
Wow good job with this. Can't wait for your next song! Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." |
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Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
Wow! This song rocks I would love to hear it be put to music! I am really intrigued by the lyrical content and you have some passionate lines in there which create a tremendous atmosphere! Its an amazing poem/song! I'd love to read more from you! Truly appreciative ^*~Kicking Kim~*^ |
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Bishop Junior Member
since 2001-04-22
Posts 30Nottingham, England |
This would be ace if u put it to music, as long as its not pop music (Cos it sucks) .Keep writing songs, they are superb ^*Bishop*^ *Evil has many faces, and I'm one of them* [This message has been edited by Bishop (edited 04-22-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well hey, thanks everybody. It really means a lot to me when you delve within my work. I love posting EXPLANATIONS to my work, but only if the reader so desires. Anyhow........bishop don't worry, I hate pop music too....Ack! |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
*bump* you already know... "Life is not long and boring, |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
i liked it better vulgar tho....  "Life is not long and boring, |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
So do I...but shhhh....nobody knows what yer talking about... *innocent* ....vulgar? this was never vulgar  |
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Greeneyes617 Member
since 2000-11-22
Posts 329Arkansas |
I LOVE IT! This was really cool. I haven't been on here in a long time so I am a little late reading it. Oh well. Great job!!! ~*Malinda*~ |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Hahaha Carly knows.....and back up to the tippy top the Lolli-Snitch goes!! and for your entertainment...  "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears." ~Kahil Gibran |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thanks greeneyes.....and carly....NO....you don't know!  hehe |
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