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Voyage (Collaboration & 1000th Post)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Voyage (Collaboration & 1000th Post) |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI 
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YO PEEPS! How's everyone doin'? Good I hope. Well Allan explained this all pretty well so... This was a funny poem... how it worked out. Carly sent me her latest that she was polishing up for the big 1000 post. I looked it over, and we both had a chuckle about how closely it resembled my CC "songs format." (iambic pentameter, interlocking rhyme scheme, beginning each line with an "ing" verb) and the idea came up that we do a collaboration instead. I mentioned the Pantoum format... but I still really liked the one she sent me. So eventually we found a way to take her three-stanza poem that was really just a prototype, and I weaved together her lines appropriately (adding six of my own so that I had a hand in it too) to create a full-circle pantoum. the result is as you see below.  We hope you enjoy! ~AllanGet all that? No? Oh well. Here's the poem. Enjoy this great collaboration between both of us! ~CarlyLosing all sight of the toads and the newts Leaving the idols we worsip alone Trudging along in our thin rubber boots Treading the shadows that light our way home Leaving the idols we worsip alone Crying hysterically, as we depart Treading the shadows that light our way home Letting the blood from the hole in our heart Crying hysterically, as we depart Silencing silence that silenced a lie Letting the blood from the hole in our heart Gazing aloft toward a manhandled sky Silencing silence that silenced a lie Greeting the night as beginning comes near Gazing aloft toward a manhandled sky Seeking the laughter she promised to hear Greeting the night as beginning comes near Clutching disdainfully, onto ourselves Seeking the laughter she promised to hear Counting the dradles she left on the shelves Clutching disdainfully, onto ourselves Washing the troubles and raising the weak Counting the dradles she left on the shelves Fleeing from mother that dares not to speak Washing the troubles and raising the weak Falling are droplets of rain on her face Fleeing from mother that dares not to speak Wasting away in the nothing of space Falling are droplets of rain on her face Grinning, we leave her, a thick nothingness Wasting away in the nothing of space Sadists we are, remembering this Grinning, we leave her, a thick nothingness Losing all sight of the toads and the newts Sadists we are, remembering this Trudging along in our thin rubber boots [This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 04-10-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Carly Anne Van Dort - All Rights Reserved | |||
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Woah! This is a great piece. I don't think I've ever read anything with such a perfect flow, but much more importantly, the feelings and descriptions are real and portrayed beautifully. Wonderful work on this one, and congrats on the 1000th post!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yup, we definitely rule, Carly.  No doubt in my mind. The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Ouch!!! I'm in envy your talent is again showed on this one carly Happy 1000th post too ~*gives Carly a big hug*~ "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Whut about MY talent?  |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Carly, you and Allan have TONS of talent to come up with something this excellent! VERY nice job... another piece that will go straight to my library. You two make a great team! CARLY ~ CONGRATS ON 1000!!! --Marie "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --Emily Dickinson [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 04-09-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well done sis! *hugs* Congrats on the Big 1k! This calls for a giant  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yeah, this one was a lot of fun to write! Thanks for all of your praise! I think it effectively highlights the greatest aspects of both of our talents- it combines my technical and organizational genius with Carly's killer lines! We rule!  ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yo yo yo that was a collaboration of the millieium! that was off the hook yo! hehe really though great job on another beautiful poem especially when it was written by two people i love reading from so keep it up and you gotta let me in the collaborating sumting eh? so.... ohhh almost forgot CONGRATS! on the 1000...WOw thousand when i barely passed 100 anyways i really enjoyed the poem wonderful job carly and allan |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Yes, yes I felt a BOOYA might be in order! Thanks TONS everyone!!! And thank YOU Allan!~Carly NOTE TO SELF: Live to love and love to live. [This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 04-10-2001).] |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was amazing both of you. Its kool seeing ppl in here getting togther and writing a poem together. I thought it rocked! (big appalause!!!!) Carly, congratulations on 10000!!!!!!!!!!!! Regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
congratulations on number 1000 carly, this is truly a masterpiece of a poem. This is truly a wonderful collaboration of two incredible minds. the flow is perfect and the poem is one of the best i've ever read. thanks for sharing this with all of us. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
What can I say better than BOOYA??? ummm... I dunno... I guess I can just say it louder BOOYA!!!!! This is the best poem I've read in a long time. Honestly and truely amazing you two. To bad it took you a 1000 posts to get it right  ... JUST KIDDINGyou absolutly rock Carly... and Allan, you're pretty good too no, I'm kidding your both amazing, that's all I can sayCongrats on the milestone Carly Jason [This message has been edited by IsGona (edited 04-10-2001).] |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Congrats on 1000 Carly Awesome job on this poem you two, it's quite an accomplishment! "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
We'll do this again sometime too. Collaborative pantoum... it could be a trend.... |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
woo hoo!!!!!!!! There are pleasures in poetic pains that only poets know......~Unknown |
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Dana Samples Member
since 2001-04-07
Posts 68 |
I hate you guys (not really) cause you write so well!!! you both have such great talent. you should do that agian sometime. carly i'll see ya monday. oh could you stay after to work on our zine too? hope so. lots of love, dana |
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