Teen Poetry #4 |
How Twilight Falls |
fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
How Twilight Falls Twilight falls 'pon unsuspecting rivers of the heart Shimmering puddles each a rememberance to a part What has been or never begun to be again Grows every day under plummeting rain I understand how the shadows fall but not twilight Fragments severing my vision whilst blackness takes my sight The sky's temperance a mighty midnight blue Anything else from my mind would be a different hue Grasp my hand to walk me through this darkness This cloth God has draped to cover my starkness Twilight falls so subtley few can notice Like the changing of the moon or the blossoming of a lotus I tried to catch the twilight as it ran from the sun But I lost the race long before it begun Alas my eyes closed, I fell asleep Passing the twilight no memories to keep Twilight still remaining a mystery to me After the light before the night no one can see ------------------------------------ Sorry I haven't been posting for a while. I guess things slow down after so many posts. Don't worry though, i'm still "working" here. "The heart can think of no devotion |
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© Copyright 2001 Sean Michael DeFlora - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hmm... this was alright, Ozz. However I think you should learn more about meter. It's all about accented and unaccented syllables- for example, something that reads "daDA-daDA-daDA-daDA" like that, sylliblically. There are other kinds of course, try to do some research. It does help a poem to flow better in most cases. This poem could use a bit of it... I wish I could give you a link, I took a small peek at the World Wide Web but didn't turn up anything helpful. Ah, well. Otherwise, the poem was quite good. I like your descriptions and phrasing, it was very professional. ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i agree with allan as far as meter is concerned, but i thought this was a very good poem. i was glad to see you posting some things again. keep writing and posting. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
daDaDadadaDAdDADADDAdadadDADDadadDADdada? I liked this.....very deep. I liked the symbolism in here. Great poem....Dadada? |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
heh, Dopes.. I would like to hear Allan sing that one.. Great post, Fozzy. I enjoyed the read. I liked the symbolism and the format. Very nicely done. --Marie "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --Emily Dickinson |
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Attack Ferrit Junior Member
since 2001-04-09
Posts 41texas |
nice post. i really enjoyed it. i thought "Grasp my hand to walk me through this darkness This cloth God has draped to cover my starkness" were great lines. i agree with allan and banburycross about the meter thing but otherwise really good. |
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