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Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

0 posted 2001-04-05 08:43 PM

Sorry I havent posted in so long. I've been really busy. But Im back...

Remember when you said you'd be there.
When you said that no matter what, you'd care.
But then all you ever did was whiper and stare.
And you added to the pain that I can't bare.

All you did for me was lie.
And pretend you couldn't see me cry.
Each time you saw a tear in my eye
You ran away, you didn't even say goodbye.

Now I'm just going to have to forget
All the pain you caused, that you don't regret.
One day I'll be strong again, you can bet
I just haven't gotten there yet.

I will never agian let you get to me.
I'll never again let those promises be
Thrown on the floor so all can see
How easy it is to fool little me.

*~*Me*~*

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

1 posted 2001-04-05 09:52 PM

Don't worry about it, I too am a sporadic poster. This is a good poem, thanks for posting. Keep it up

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-04-06 09:32 AM

i thought this was good but there is one suggestion i would like to make (if i may). instead of every line rhyming in the poem, you might try having the 1st, 2nd, and 4th lines rhyme to make the rhyme more effective when you come back to it. Robert Frost used this rhyme scheme in "stopping by woods on a snowy evening" and it has always been one of my favorite formats. anyway, i enjoyed this and keep posting.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-04-06 10:17 AM

This is really good... The only thing: I would take ban's suggestion. I thought similar to that when I was reading. But good job.

--Marie

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-04-06 01:32 PM

I didn't much like this one. I hope things get better with you though.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-04-10 05:41 PM

An expression of one's feelings is always good
so, I don't agree with Dopey
I hope things get better for you
and if you need someone to talk to
just remember, everyone in pip is family

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

6 posted 2001-04-10 06:25 PM

I thought it was fine.... but you could improve it on two points-
A) As aforementioned, the rhyme is overdone. Tone that down, make it aaba etc... or maybe even abcb or something like that.

B) The syllables. Pay attention to the sylliblic length of each line! Try to make them close, if not the same.
~Allan

The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further"

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