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anomaly187
Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 284
San Francisco,CA,US

0 posted 2001-03-28 07:59 PM

ok i wrote this in 5 minutes..it's not very good unfortunately..next time i'll take a litte bit more time..

With every drop of you
which keeps on falling through the night
your blood will never reach the sky

In a burnt out screaming room
where your secrets can be kept
You'll never be in bloom

Well every day and every night
you go marching to your doom
with every junky in the street
forcing their way into your womb

Another pointless dream
in every room and every home
meet me in the clouds
where we can shoot through the afternoon

i don't want to suck out your anxiety
so go kill yourself away from me
don't stand another minute
in this white powdered line

Another dying mother
standing post at the street corner
worn out by the ages
turning white while losing wages

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

1 posted 2001-03-28 09:07 PM

this was very intersting. the imagery and words were very powerful i congratulate u.
regina

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-03-29 12:18 PM

Interesting, but not your greatest. I think it could be revised and reworded in a few places, the meaning is there but you didn't take enough time, in my opinion.
It deserves a rewrite though.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-04-01 12:33 PM

I liked this. I actually thought it was a great step in your writing because it departs from your usual style. I felt you did a wonderful job on this one.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-04-06 10:57 PM

For a 5 minute poem, I'm amazed by it's sincerity. I hope this really ain't something happening. keep sharing and thanks for the read

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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