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Teen Poetry #4
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Confused
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Confused |
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Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
I wish I could tell you face to face, but I'm afraid thats simply not the case. Though I know my feelings are true, I cant at all reveal them to you. You seem to like me, you seem to care, but my heart with you I cannot share. Day after day I can see your smile, laughing, talking thinking about you all the while. I want to scream! I want to shout! Do you really not see what my words are actually about? Do you understand at all? Will you be there to break my fall? Because when I look in your eyes I lose it all. My feelings are true; but are yours for you? I feel your hand holding mine tight; but are you sure if this is all right? How or when will I know if this is real; or if my broken heart is just part of the deal? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Nikki - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Good job on this one, officially.  It has a LOT of emotion behind it, and that just glows in this piece.However, I think that you would be better served to arrange it better in terms of spacing and line breaks. Example- "I wish I could tell you face to face, but I'm afraid thats simply not the case." could be "I wish I could tell you face to face but I'm afraid thats simply not the case." The best way to organize it in this poem's case would be to just put each line more individually. Try to make all the rhymes end a line. It would improve the flow. Keep this in mind. Just a friendly critique. Everything else about this is well thought out and put together.  ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Nicely done here. I thought you did just fien with this one. I liked it.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Situations like this can be confusing. I'm in one right now, actually, and you describe it well. I hope things work out for you!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
This was really good!! We all feels a little lost sometimes. Keep posting! Jenn "I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia |
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Pixie-Babe03 Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387Central Maine |
I liked this poem a lot, it is glowing with emotion! can't wait to see more! ~*Pixie*~ -=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=- |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow.. very emotion-filled. Nice job, but I agree with Allan in that maybe you should add more line breaks.. I think it could flow better. Thanks for sharing.. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
Thanks for everyones comments...I really appreciate it.... Love ya ~Nikki~ |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
A good write Shygirl I would rearrange it though I'd write it down this way.... "I wish I could tell you face to face, but I'm afraid thats simply not the case. Though I know my feelings are true, I cant at all reveal them to you. You seem to like me, you seem to care..., but my heart with you I cannot share. Day after day I can see your smile, laughing... talking... thinking about you all the while. I want to scream! I want to shout! Do you really not see what my words are actually about? Do you understand at all? Will you be there to break my fall? Because when I look in your eyes, I lose it all. My feelings are true, but are yours for you? I feel your hand holding mine tight but are you sure if this is all right? How or when will I know if this is real or if my broken heart is just..... "part of the deal?"" Just a suggestion "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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