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| Teen Poetry #4 |
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my favorite place |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i know that this poem could use a lot of work and i've revised it several times but it doesn't seem to want to turn itself into a good poem. tell me what you think... velvet green engulfs my eyes, my mind, soft emerald cradles my spirit in gentle, delicate hands. bright yellows brush the surface, and warmth dances for my heart. my perception goes beyond my reflection, and i am dazzled by the brilliance and life that i find. it holds me fast, but i want no escape. my spirit walks the avenues of fragile, faithful light. i have everything i need, and it is in your eyes that i find my soul. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Peter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Nice work. This actually was quiet good. the imagery was good. the flow was nice. Regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I agree with Regina, this was good and I quite liked the imagery you used. Andrew. " No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe." |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
nice poem there and of course it is a poem  i liked itas all had said the imagery was well detailed keep writin' |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Beautiful poem here, babe. The imagery is great, and the flow is perfect. I love it.. You already know that though. Keep posting! --Marie It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought the imagery in this poem rocked. It seems just fine, but I guess it could be better in some ways.....No idea how to make it better cuz then I'd write it myself, but it could be beter.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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AsBurYAnGel Junior Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 14Virginia |
I really did like this. I hope to be able to read more. |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, Its okay not your best from what I have seen but good never the less. Keep it up and until your next poem -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Ooh, this is a very unique poem. I like the way you built up to the final line, with one single powerful message. The way you introduced a second party not until the last line really accentuated the feelings of it. It was almost a mystery... Very creative, Ban. I am completely impressed with the creative sense of this, but I will agree that it could have been better. Maybe add a hint of rhyme or meter? It's worth a revision, if you are willing to give it the time. But as is, I still think this is a great poem.~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Why try to turn this to a good poem when it already is a great poem. I'm in awe with your style. BRAVO!!! "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
this really is fantastic |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
good flow...good imagery...good poem! i liked it, awsome job! *KiMMiE* |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i just felt like replying again cuz i read it gain and i liked the way its is..and i still think this is a nice and great poem..cya~  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
I really liked the imagery that you portrayed in this poem. It really sets the mood of it. |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
this to me was really awesome.. great write.. keep up the good work :0 $ Jeff $ : ) |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow... now this is a trip down memory lane. I thought (and still think) that this poem is so very candidly written. Thank you, banbury, for writing this and for ever thinking of me that way. The beauty you portrayed in this poem is beyond most that I have previous experienced. And painful or not, this memory is one that needed to be relived to be kept alive. I thank you for that. I miss you around here, and if you ever do get to read this know that I am thinking of you. Everyone deserves to read this. So I am bringing it back to the top. Please enjoy... and know that there is an amazing person behind this poem. Love, Jennifer ((behind this fuzzy haze I can see that we are coffee and milk mixed, perfect, but not for everyone.)) |
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