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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-03-19 08:48 PM

Sinking Into The Tides

Was there any hope
Did I ever have a chance
Now I'm grown
I'm still alone
Whatever happened to my love
That she would never meet me

I wonder if she died in a fire
Burnt up in a grandoise funeral pyre
Could it be
She is still searching for me
Or has made a choice
A horrible choice
To a man that took her away
So she could be away

I'll never make it
I can see the tide rising with my feet planted
With the rise and fall I'm enchanted
I'm only seventeen
After all that I've seen
It can't be the end for me

Drag my feet up out of the sands
It trys to hold on
With its damp crumbling hands
When I know all the reasons
I'll live on for a few more seasons

I can see the waves are coming closer
And my footprints have been washed away
Why am I spared
For a life so unfair
If I stay around
With my feet above the ground
Maybe an answer will be my reward

I still have life to live
Maybe she is here to give
Me my peek into heaven
She saved me
I can never find anyone to replace her
We were so happy together

I know the waves are getting closer
And all my friends were on the beach
Don't they have a reason to live for
Or they don't want to hear me anymore

The waves never reached them
It was up to their necks before it left
Even waves won't commit such theft
I'll let them live and reach
For yet another shallow beach.
-----------------------------------
This is based loosely on a dream I once had.

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
-

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-03-19 09:43 PM

Nicely done.....I liked it.
Cept for the second stanza- the last two verses ended with the same word and I personally wouldn't do that.
Anyhow, I thought you did well.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-03-20 01:01 PM

The length is kind of intimidating, but it was worth the read. Good job.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

3 posted 2001-03-20 10:07 PM

Haha... you are just timid, Marie.

VERY nice poem, Ozzy. I think this might be your best yet... (at least that I have read)
I loved the whole thing. I agree with Javier on the second stanza thing... maybe use the http://www.rhymer.com for this situation?

Just a thought.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

4 posted 2001-03-20 10:09 PM

I wasn't really trying desperately hard to rhyme hear. I just thought that line would be more powerful if I expanded the notion of her choice. Thanks for the help though.

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
-

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-03-26 07:39 PM

a littl elong
but interesting enough to read thru
you did really good
keep it up

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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