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Teen Poetry #4
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Heavy Blows.
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Heavy Blows. |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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Heavy blows to my heart, You dagger pierces me, Ever since we've been apart, Your words have struck heavily, I wasn't what I expected, But I thought you'd have me back, It seems that I'm infected, And I've let my heart turn black, I've always known I loved you, but I just didn't know how much, Our love was never true, Because I was out of touch, Your everything to me, And I've got nothing left, Why won't you see me free, A stolen heart's still theft. Err i'm not to happy with the whole rhyming scheme and in particular ryhming heavily with me but I knocked this one up in a couple of minutes so... what can you expect? Zu. Love is a friendship caught on fire. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked this, but I thought some grammatical errors were within the poem. Anyhow, the basic message of it is quite sad. Hopefully everything works out for you soon!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hmm... I honestly think you restricted yourself too much. Maybe the scheme should have been a bit less profound, instead of interlocking try just a basic abcbdefe etc.? Just an opinion. This wasn't as good as it could have been. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
I don't know too much about your scheme, however I completely relate to the topic/theme within this one. I really liked the vebiage and such. You probably could alter it a little and make it perfect, but in my book this was good. Jenn "I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia [This message has been edited by Jenn Cirrincione (edited 03-18-2001).] |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Your opening and closing lines are well written. It's just in the middle it gets a little hazy. I would alter lines 7, 11 and 12 if i was you but the rest of it could be expanded on. But for a piece knocked up in a few minutes it's good.  ~AF~ "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory." |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, I though it was okay for a min. poem. Although I agree if you had spent a few more min. on it, it could be better. Until your next poem... -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I have a lot of respect for people who can come up with a poem in just minutes  I'm one who takes at least a day to write. no matter what, thanks for sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This isn't the best I've seen from you, but it was good for writing it in just a few minutes. Thank you for sharing, and keep them coming. Good job. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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