Teen Poetry #4 |
Radio |
fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
Radio A gentle strum of a guitar soothes my mind Can this waving melody calm my nerves From this life I'm in Along with all of its curves There was a sweet silent serenity In which a violin sung to me "Graceless," it said "If you take what is already dead All your dreams will be swept aside." This I heard before the violin cried My girl, she is a colorless rainbow All color has been taken She has no need to grow But we have a love song we listen to If she could hear what I knew To translate my transgression Into rainbow girl's regression How we fit is up to chance The music in my head makes me dance. Pick it apart for me |
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© Copyright 2001 Sean Michael DeFlora - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hmm... not bad. The rhymes were a bit scattered and misplaced. I thought that could have used a lot of work. Other than that, good imagery and mood. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
"My girl, she is a colorless rainbow" Wowish, that line was awesome man. I loved this poem. I thought it was pretty good cept for the random placement of ryhme.....it kind of confused me. Anyhow, i thought it rocked! I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
The rhyme scheme was kind of confusing, but other than that this was a nice poem. GOod job. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I see a lot of talent in you you too have a great way with words I have this feeling that the poem is kinda scattered though The point of it all is not clearly stated Well, it may just be me "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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