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Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

0 posted 2001-03-13 09:43 PM

Hate embracing,
Faded tracing,
End it all,
Evil's fall.

Touch caressing,
Fate confessing,
Stop it now,
Show me how.

Mind confusing,
Memory losing,
Not the end,
Endless trend.

Numb feeling,
Pain dealing,
Darkness here,
Mustn't fear.

Shadow calling,
Shadow falling,
Shadow within,
Shadow's sin.

Shouldn't be able to miss what you never had...so why do I miss her so?

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-03-14 11:27 AM

I ~really~ liked this one, but I have a critique-- the syllables should be paid attention. The scheme of them started out amazingly, and then you began to neglect it.
They are very important, and too often overlooked. Take a glance at this.
Talk to you later.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

TearsOfPearls
Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 322
Vereeniging, South-Africa

2 posted 2001-03-14 01:09 PM

Wow, I thought this poem was absolutely fantastic, but kinda agree with Allen.

Keep it up

Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-03-14 04:29 PM

I thought you did VERY well on this one cept I would have added a few words to some verses...the syllable count is not consistant and it affects the flow.
Nicely done though.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

4 posted 2001-03-14 05:02 PM

Hmm..I see your points. Down until the third stanza, the syllables match. Heh..I didn't even plan it that way though. I wasn't really caring much about the syllables, but now that I re-read it, it would sound better with a consistent syllable scheme...might re-do this one someday.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-03-17 06:57 PM

I thought it was fine
Direct to the point
I like it
thanks for the read
keep sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

6 posted 2001-03-17 11:01 PM

Marvelous work....I really really really liked this.

And although more precise syllables help a poem along sometimes, I think this one works even without it. If you do edit, don't compromise the great ideas for the right syllables. Keep up the awesome work, I'm impressed!

*Krista Knutson*

"Can't run fast enough
Can't hide I can't fly
I'm struggling with the limits of this ordinary life..." ~Tracy Chapman

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

7 posted 2001-03-17 11:12 PM

I liked every bit of it! The syllable thing doesn't bother me at all, but then I never really pay attention to technical stuff like that. Thanks for letting us into your head.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"
-Robert Frost

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

8 posted 2001-03-18 10:09 AM

This is incredible! It's very strong and I love the short lines! Thanks!!

"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK

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