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Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2001-01-22 03:07 PM

I tore away from her,
Rose colored lies, And a
Little more of that little fable.

She was always good,
quite quick flying through
the air, but not without cable.

Now I found,
All she believed
was nothing,
I am sad
All I am
Was something.

But the smoke stings my eyes
I’m not crying I’m disabled,
But don’t get me wrong I’m quite able.

She thinks in pristine dreams
Always lost, should have never read
That missing warning label.

I know
I know
I should have held her
I should have looked into those eyes.
Now I’m alone
Alone.
I’m here by myself
again.

I have grown alone the way.
I have lived alone the way.
I have lost alone the way.

[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 01-22-2001).]

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

1 posted 2001-01-22 03:13 PM

Effigy,
It's very good, should the last lines have read along or did you plan alone to fit the theme?
write on
Kethry

Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

2 posted 2001-01-22 03:17 PM

Thanks I'm glad that you liked.
It's a theme thing.

wandering
Member

since 2001-01-21

Posts 92

3 posted 2001-01-23 07:38 PM

I’m not crying I’m disabled,
But don’t get me wrong I’m quite able.
I really connect with this...excellent job...what we wish we had done...wanderer

lost in thought, found in words.
wanderer

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

4 posted 2004-05-07 10:45 AM

This is more your speed. I like your bitter little poems. Heh.

I like the rhythm in this one, and I liked the play on words you have, especially the last three lines where you use the word "alone" insted of "along". That's really cool. I do have a few nitpicky things.

Stanza 1 you have "I tore away from her, / Rose colored lies..." In this context, "Rose colored lines" is a dependant clause with no direct object. It's just sitting in the middle of the line with no connection to the rest of the sentance. That comma is killing you and needs to be dropped, because the "rose colored lies" (if I'm reading the sentance right) IS the direct object of the previous phrase: "I tore away from her". What you "tore away" was the "lies".

You also need a period in the middle of the 2nd line of stanza four. "I’m not crying. I’m disabled". You also need a comma in the middle of line 3, "But don't get me wrong, I'm quite able."

Stanza 6 has some great repetition in it. The repeating of "I know" and the word "alone" are great methods for showing the mindset of the speaker.

All and all it's a good piece. You just need to be more careful in your editing process.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

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