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a Pantun by Panne
| Open Poetry #12 |
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a Pantun by Panne |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
Pantun(Pantoum) Universal Verites or (Fables and Foibles) Little Boy Blue blew his horn...wary... Jack and Jill were just two pills. Mary, our Mary, was always contrary. While J and J kept running up hills. Jack and Jill were just two pills But Miss Muffett ate her whey to the top. While J and J kept running up hills Our Jack’s plum was about to pop. But Miss Muffett ate her whey to the top And chaos was about to ruin our sleep. Jack’s plum was about to pop. And Bo Peep’s lamb couldn’t find her sheep. And chaos was about to ruin our sleep. Peter, Peter had lost his Pumpkin And Bo Peep’s lamb couldn’t find her sheep. Mother Hubbard’s spirit had sunken. Peter, Peter had lost his Pumpkin He let out a howl - he was so alone. Mother Hubbard’s spirit had sunken. Midnight chimed on a dog with no bone. He let out a howl - he was so alone. Old King Cole absented his Soul; Midnight chimed on a dog with no bone And Everyone’s life was out of control! Old King Cole absented his Soul; Hark! Hark! more than dogs barked! Everyone’s life was out of control! “This, too, shall pass.” someone remarked. Hark! Hark! more than dogs barked! Mary, our Mary, was always contrary “This, too, shall pass.” someone remarked. And Little Boy Blue blew his horn...wary... Panne © 2001 [This message has been edited by Panne (edited 03-15-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Panne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions! and you entered with a bang! Check your e-mail for a special message! Karilea If I whisper, will you listen?... I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound. KRJ |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Yes, ***!!!WELCOME!!!*** great pantoum!!! Panne thoroughly enjoyed the read, I did! |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
Thank you, Sunshine, very much for your help and support. Glad you enjoyed my piece, Vas. Would love to have comments on the form also. So if anyone knows anything about this form and whether this piece did it justice I would appreciate and welcome any criticism. Thanks again, Vas and Sunshine. Panne |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
panne, im so thrilled to find you here!!!i have classes soon but rest assured that i will get back to you on this one as soon as possible... i want to apologise for not having written sooner...life has been busy and i have been lazy... WELCOME  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
As long as you prescribe to the school that allows some deviation from the norm of six stanzas - you do indeed conform to the pantoum format. This is one of the more entertaining and certainly one of the most phrensical... I enjoyed reading it... Do wander by the workshop from time to time... We do some fun stuff there... Oh - Welcome to our Passionate Place...  |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
PANTOUM A poem in a fixed form, consisting of a varying number of 4-line stanzas with lines rhyming alternately; the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated to form the first and third lines of the succeeding stanza, with the first and third lines of the first stanza forming the second and fourth of the last stanza, but in reverse order, so that the opening and closing lines of the poem are identical. Sidelight: The pantoum is derived from the Malayan pantun, which follows the same rhyme and line patterns but differs in some other respects. In the pantun, which is tradition-ally improvised, the theme or meaning is conveyed in the second two lines of each quatrain, while the first two lines present an image or allusion which may or may not have an obvious connection with the theme. So...I think you did it, without doing an indepth analysis on my part. It seems Nan thinks so, too, just as I did when I first read it. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Sounds difficult and restrictive. I'm definitely going to try this. Glad that this was the first of the style I've read, it had a unique theme to it. Well done, and welcome to Passions in Poetry. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
Thank you all -oops - lightning - be back asap |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
The sun is shining like there had been no storm a while back - anyway... Thank you all for your comments and info. Kaile - can't wait to hear what your comments are and thanks for incouraging me to join in - Panne Nan - The book I have The Teachers & Writers Handbook of Poetic Forms says pantuns are of any length and I tried to make this just 4 quatrains but being longwinded I was unable to make it any shorter than it is - I am not sure what 'phrensical' means - my dictionary has no such word so using what I have at hand I can only think you mean either frenzied from phrensy or -lol, mad, suffering with inflamation of the brain as in phrenetic ... but it is an old, old book so maybe you can enlighten me further, please . Actually, I can see either definition in this piece so thanks for the insights ...lol and if I can find the workshop I would love to join in - I can hardly find my way in here most of the time...but it sounds great so I will look for it. Thanks for the invite. Vas - per your definition I failed in that my opening and closing lines are not the same line and it made me check my handbook and you are right - so I did not do it correctly - thanks for that info - else I would have never reread and seen what I did wrong- it took me forever to get the line pattern right by returning to the book so I have no idea how I missed the '1st/last line the same' rule - now I will have to see if it still will make sense when I reverse those two lines or if I have to write another quatrain---AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Allan - Your are right it is restrictive and yet freeing too - you should see the example I saw - it put me off writing one except that I had bragged I was gonna do one so I had to go thru with it...and there was no author given to it - but it was awful. Then I found 2 more only on the internet and they helped me refine my attempt some. Good Luck and would love to see it when you are done. Thank you all for your warm welcome and as soon as things settle a bit, I will be in here more often. Panne |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
I have reversed lines one and 3 and am wondering if the piece lost or gained anything in so doing - what do you all think? Thanks for you input - Panne |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Ah, panne. It is always so nice to see your wisdom in poetry! This was great. I am glad you joined up with us. Poems sure do get buried quickly here, I will do my best to stay caught up. I haven't written in a while, just bought a new house and all, email ya all about it  Love hearing from you again. With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi panne, when i first read this, i was blown by it. i thought it hilarious and i was impressed by how you managed to pull the whole thing together, including the most irritating rhyme scheme... but when i read this the second time(after some days or weeks later) somehow this piece lost its appeal for me...while this certainly still brought a smile to my face, i couldn't relate much to it cos it was rather non-sensical(spelling?).... at that point, i found myself edging towards your second pantun(which you sent along with this one) because the words chosen were interesting and thought-provoking and i found myself trying to get something out of that pantum.... and now as i read this for the third time, my reaction is mixed...i see this as a brilliant effort but gosh, i am at a loss for words... okay, here's how the critics feel about pay it Forward back in Singapore: skilled acting but no real emotions... that is roughly how i feel about this poem...perhaps trying to include a message or narrating a story in your next pantoum...or post your second pantoum..will like to read it again and tell you what i got from it and im sure passionate readers can benefit from that piece too just an opinion |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Gee Panne...you know me, as far as "style" goes I'm still barefoot in the swamp never having seen a city before. But I really did enjoy the read as I always do when reading your work -- even if it doesn't make any sense to me (hee hee). BTW, saw Nan, (passions' Nan, not your Nan) commented and would encourage you to visit her workshop. This lady knows her stuff and has my utmost respect and I know she can help you with the things you seek to know. Very glad to see you over here, and I see Dpoe and Kaile have found you too. Kinda like getting the family back together, huh?? Pulled you up in search after you told me you'd been posting (haven't been here much lately) and this is the first I read...will visit your others too. walk easy, my friend... jwesley |
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Mabel A. Dilley Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 859Seattle, WA, USA |
As for format, pretty true to the real deal. The content I found delicious and entertainingly unique. Bravo to the brave of heart that imagined and wrote for all to enjoy. "I am not now that which I have been." |
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Panne Junior Member
since 2001-01-31
Posts 15South TX, USA |
Kaile, Thanks for your, as usual, thoughtful critique. I loved them all. In response though, I must say I thought I had a message and a story line in this piece but if you can't see it then I must have failed miserably. It started out as first - do this form (the pantun). Then I thought I would write what I discovered as a worldwide truth(Thus Universal Verites) that everyone's life is choatic and routine at the same time using nursery rhyme lines. I tried to show that say any hour, day, week, month, year, and even on the same street each house has a different truth, a different politic, different life experiences and different sameness and chaos and we all deal with our life's order and disorder in differing ways. And that even tho they all dealt with their lives differently they - at some point - mostly realized that things will change - get better or worse or stay the same depending on what their 'problem' is at the time. "This too shall pass" ... And I tried to give an insight into the way each character lived his/her life and an insight into their characters themselves... Jack and Jill were boring and lived their life running in circles, Mary was always contrary to the norm Muffett got what she wanted her whey -hehe - Jack had high blood pressure and treated life and his work as an A personality etc etc etc and Little Boy Blue still blew his horn wary... I hope that helps some and I just wish I could have gotten that out to be easily seen by all. Jim, thanks for all your help and I did try to get into workshop but I either did it incorrectly or there was nothing there and I had no idea how to get in - will chack again though for sure. I hope my explanation above helps you, too, to see the message and story line but I guess it is a losing battle with this piece...sigh... Julian, Thank you for you delightful comments and I am glad I was able to entertain if not enlighten all the readers who entered here. Dragonpoe, Was so glad to see your comments. I knew you were buying the house or looking in any event so glad to hear you did and figured you were busy as a hornets nest with the move - I know I always was. Glad your email is working - I am looking for Lea's address - will write you soon about that. Thank you again Everyone. Any more insight, criticism, help would be most appreciated. Panne |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Just want to let you all know that Panne415 is Panne from this piece. I have had to eliminate my old ISP and want all to know that I am the same person. Thanks again, Panne |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Panne, I thought you did a fantastic job. Poems should not have to be explained. Yours was a delight and if you want to read between the lines even more of a delight. You have made my list of prefered reading and so it shall be. PS. Nan is a great teacher and one of my loves. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
will be back..watch out for me while i dwell on your words... ... |
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Jellybean King Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 153Jelly, Bean |
This was terrific...a delightful and thought provoking read! I loved the way that the nursery rhymes contrasted with the chaos, which slowly crept into each progressive stanza...very effective...also loved this line in particular: "But Miss Muffett ate her whey to the top." Jellybean King |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Panne...your message of chaos and routine does come through in this piece. Well crafted and your hard work in completing this shows. A side note regarding pantoums....according to Miriam Sagan in an article entitled "How to Write Poetry That Fits The Occasion" (latest issue of "Writer's Digest"), lines 1&3 of the first stanza, may or may not be flipped in the last stanza. Therefore, according to her definition, the first line of a pantoum does not have to be the last. I feel your pantoum works well with the lines flipped. [This message has been edited by Packratmike (edited 03-26-2001).] |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Thank you all for your input. Seymour, I haven't met Nan yet but am looking forward to it. Thanks so much FR, don't dwell too long or you'll get a headache - lol - looking forward to your insights. Will wait... JB, yeah - that was my favorite line too. I am glad the contrast and creeping came through. Thanks again. Mike, well...cool...I flip the lines back then - I think I preferred it that way but all the books and notes say elsewise... Thanks, Panne N.B. Had to change my email address - this one is permanent but want you to know ... again ... Panne and Panne415 is now forever going to be Panne447. Please email to there if you are in one of the old email addresses from now on. One has been uninstalled already and Panne415 will be gone by the week-end when I get some help. Thanks Friends. Panne |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
having computer woes [This message has been edited by Panne447 (edited 04-05-2001).] |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
checking... |
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