weekend observence - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

desperado
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 312
FT Hood,Tx

0 posted 2001-03-06 01:59 AM

sleeping
tossing and turning in a futile effort to find peace
mind racing with thoughts, dreams and memories
a slow train ride down south to come
with nothing but the repeating clack to talk to
as it rambles in it's incessant way
sputtering as cars, houses, and country pass by
and all I can think is the clack
rhythmic sound of wheels on track
caused by tiniest mis'linement or crack
and formed by an aggregate slack
that helped break an old man's back
with torture worse than a rack
and I'm zooming along through twists and turns
eyes staring blankly out into the nothing that moves
sliding past my window as though smeared
by a childs hand at play
or an artists design of life without definition
and direction without focus as my eyes slide
and I'm thinking about life in the pack
is it worth all the bull and the jack
drinking wiskey and smoking a black
watching nothing to the sound of the track
thinking bout things that I can't take back
trying to keep my mind from the crack
and I feel myself slipping away
lulled by the feeling of travel without force
the world sliding by me faster and faster
and I know I'll never be my master
in a world where tomorrow never comes
and today has already past
down the length of life they call the track
that speaks in words made by the clack
of wheels on steel that broke the back
of a man who never felt the slack
that came from the end upon the rack
and was just another straw upon his stack
and I watch this world wash away
as though sugar coated and turned to grey
upon this mountain home
and I feel myself falling and drifting away
to a place where silence is a disease and curse
for those whose mind has gone
into the world of the forgotten crack
a place made steady by the sound of the track
into a land from which you can't turn back
as it steals the things you'd hate to lack
from the world you made and forms a stack
all made possible by the sound of the clack

"There were times in my life when I was going insane tryin to walk through the pain. When I lost my grip and I hit the floor yeah I thought I could le

Saxoness

Senior Member

since 1999-07-18

Posts 1102
Texas

1 posted 2001-03-06 02:11 AM

Wow. I'm amazed I could even take this in at 1am. I could hear the sound of the wheels on the track rurning rythmically, and I saw you sitting there, looking out the window at the countryside, thinking. Great piece here love, and I mean that. It put me into a very introspective mood. One thing I did notice though, if you don't mind a bit of critique, in the first part of the poem, when you have the "ack" repition, it seems a little forced. In other words, you made it seem hard to write. Perhaps a little fine tuning. Loved it, though. *k&h*

"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

2 posted 2001-03-06 07:44 AM

quote:
and direction without focus as my eyes slide

the world sliding by me faster and faster
and I know I'll never be my master
in a world where tomorrow never comes
and today has already past

and I feel myself falling and drifting away
to a place where silence is a disease and curse
for those whose mind has gone
into the world of the forgotten crack
a place made steady by the sound of the track
into a land from which you can't turn back
as it steals the things you'd hate to lack

james james james... you have outdone yourself.... god, i love this one.... the repetitious rhyme of the track... it's onimonapea, baby, even though i can't spell it.... you're good.... the above lines hit me hard...

i'm watching the world go by sideways
through the window of your train
and digging every minute of it
and feeling your pain
and i'm clattered, and stammered
and bumped and bemused
by a world going by me
throughout my confused --
i am with you
without you
and ride on the rail
and there's nothing to say now
while words take my trail
to the train track that's steeling
each day that goes by
as i sit here and read you
and wonder the why
of the track
can't look back
on a rack
i am strung
while our lives trail in sunsets
days eating the young

thanks, sweet james for the inspiration and i'll finish this one later and post it...

you're the bomb!! this one rocks hard .... are you home yet??????

i need a good game of scrabble and a wine cooler.....

[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 03-06-2001).]

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

3 posted 2001-03-06 08:48 AM

James this is a great rambling of your muse as you're drifting away into the rhythum of the train ride.....I like the references to the hard working men that constructed the railway and changes that have come about now. I like the reference to a place where silence is a disease and a curse to those whose mind is gone....yeah nothing lasts forever...including us..and those are the reasons for wondering sometimes....great work!!

The poet is like a cocoon; in him the caterpillar of the past finds rest, and from him the butterfly of the future emerges.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2001-03-06 09:07 AM

I can feel this one....well done!

desperado
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 312
FT Hood,Tx

5 posted 2001-03-06 10:59 PM

sax - thanks for the comments. I'll check on that. I know the title doesn't do this piece any justice either.

doreen - hehe glad to know you're with me on this ride. and even though I'm not back yet, I could use a real game of scrabble too (I bought the playstation game scrabble so that I could get some practice in, but it isn't the same since I won't let me define those words I know.. *wink* ) can't wait to get in. we need a few drinks and a day or two of scrabble. once I get my transportation all set up, I'll email you and we can get down to the bones of hanging out for a weekend. ok?

ethome - thanks. to be honest though, when I was writting this one I didn't really think about railworkers until I was about half way through it. but I certainly couldn't have done it without that thought. thanks for your comments too.

sunshine - glad you could. thanks.

Saxoness

Senior Member

since 1999-07-18

Posts 1102
Texas

6 posted 2001-03-08 11:13 AM

hey, you should check out Doreen's poem, she posted it. They go together pretty well

lol, oh, and guess what? I may be studying abroad in Korea next spring semester. In Seoul, no less. At some all girls school pronounced "Ewaa" or something like that. Do you know it? Ironic, isn't it.

"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

7 posted 2001-03-08 11:50 AM

sounds terrific!!
looking forward to it....

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.