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bed of lies
| Open Poetry #12 |
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bed of lies |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Greenhouse comforts of school vanishing into a blur We venture out struggle not to let our guard down on the tender bed of lies cunningly weaved by those who bite We mature grow cynical apply jerk seasoning on ourselves play the manipulating game in the hope that we may trample others forever to sleep like bowling pins that topple after a thoughtful exceuted strike We sigh with satisfaction when our victims succumb to our trap the games begin and I wonder how my ten-year-old self will think if he sees me now |
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| © Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ParisGrl Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 610 |
Kaile, I loved this poem! keep writing! Take Care, Laura |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Just watched Bruce Willis' "The Kid"... a concept to study by all of us... well done Kaile... |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
To be able to see things as children do would be a gift to most people ~*Peachy Be*~ |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I do like the concepts here. I haven't looked it up, but I do wonder about the used of "weaved" at the end of the first stanza. My feeling is that it should be "woven". I love the "jerk seasoning". That really made me smile.  In the bowling stanza, I would prefer to see "thoughtfully executed". In the last stanza, I like the question, but would use the subjunctive "would think if he saw me now". Still, you're doing well. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
wow kaile, this is excellent. . . I'm going to go along with Marilyn and say that in the first stanza it probably should be "woven" In the bowling stanza, what about "a thoughtful , executed strike"? With the comma?? In the last stanza, I got the sense that you were speaking to your younger self, in which case your words are right on. . . but if not, then I concur with Marilyn's suggestion. . . This is really good kaile. . . I loved the "jerk seasoning" refrence. . .that was perfect!! It's a really good study of what we see, and how we see it. . . ------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
i like the twist on the end...how you say "oh, i wonder how a child sees this"...as if you're objective as well as involved. very nice indeed. |
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walker Member Elite
since 2001-02-11
Posts 2240Florida |
Children are so innocent and carefree. When we grow up we are so defensive ( probably protecting our inner child) that we can be cruel to others. It would be nice to ask ourselves before we act, what would my ten year old do? I love this poem. A quarter of a century must pass, for the writer to understand what and why he writes. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
I like what you've done here, kaile, save for what's already been mentioned...weaved should be woven, in this case. Weaved is not really a word, it's weave, wove, woven. good job! |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
This is beyond incedible. I love every word----spec 2nd verse. |
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Celeste Senior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 597 |
Very sad and so very true. I thank you for posting this. Am keeping it. To capture and live a moment is truly living |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
your words touch my heart, and these words are so true, written from the heart. excellent penned Charisma |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
When innocense is replaced with imagined reality, one's whole world is turned upside down. I think you have penned it wonderfully and if we could only find a way to hold onto what we are born with in some areas, I think we would find heaven in the palm of our hands. Wonderful write and full of much understanding and the mere fact that you found a need to share these thoughts with us as well as have them says much about your character and I applaud you for that. |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Kaile I had to go back and read some of your poems. I thought this was was great. To write of lies and innocence and to express your feelings so well, this couldn't have been a better poem. Loved it. Garfield |
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Poeminister Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862Regina SK; Canada |
Kaile--i like your mindset in this...very well expressed. Poeminister |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
enjoyed reading this ------------------------ in this verse, i think you may want to say "thoughtfully executed" tho...?: "like bowling pins that topple after a thoughtful exceuted strike We sigh with satisfaction when our victims succumb to our trap" -------------------------- "the games begin and I wonder how my ten-year-old self will think if he sees me now" yes..i wonder sometimes too..about that..  and didnt you used to wonder, at 10, what you would be like when you grew up...good write kaile hugs, g where am i...WHOA! and what am i doing in this handbasket!?! |
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