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Open Poetry #12
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Bricks of Fury (year by year)
| Open Poetry #12 |
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Bricks of Fury (year by year) |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) 
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The road was long It passed me quick The time it took I paved the brick I made the road For what I meant The years, I don't Think where they went For each I earned And each I paved Not e'er a thought Of words engraved One brick is destined And so I stumble Until it's time Nothing crumbles The sun, it's wealth The words so clear As if a bird Had bent my ear She said to me What lovers told That in this piece Are streets of gold I lay on brick The last in barrow And hurled my fury At the sparrow Washed in moon's beam The last brick shattered I wasted nothing On what won't matter The moon, it's stealth The words, i peer And forge the brick On year by year [This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (edited 02-14-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Walt Burns - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Whoa....Walt....whoa.....first you use solid imagery as a continued theme: bricklaying. Add to that the metaphor and illustrations, and Voila!, floored Alicat. You had me reading this one several times, working out nuances, and let me tell ya, WoW, it was worth it. |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
Man Catster I always appreciate your replies. It's cool that you don't have as many as the big posters because every one you spend is so well thought out and helpful. thanky much yuh yuh You know the "Never Ending Story"? They're still telling it! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Walty... nice style you got going here... good poem too lol I'm curious - are the 'it's' supposed to be 'its'? Ie...the possessive spelling instead of the 'it is' abbreviation? I don't know - both ways fit to me...so if I am wrong you can try and shoot me if you like - but you can't reach heh...  K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
*poke K* Leave it to an English Workshop Mod to nitpick. LOL |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
HEY! Walt has his critique flag on! SO there...plus - you think THAT is nitpicking? Oh poor Ali...just wait and see what K can really do hehehee K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok, I've stared at the screen for about five minutes and cannot come up with an appropriate comment, so I will just say... WOW.... |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
Sunshine thank you I appreciate it you other two take it outside yuh |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
"I wasted nothing On what won't matter" If only we could all say that. *S* I enjoyed reading this very much, Walt! |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
"Washed in moon's beam The last brick shattered I wasted nothing On what won't matter" This is one reason it's so hard to leave here, boy, did I need this!! oh yeah, uh huh "I walked beside the evening sea and dreamed a dream that could not be." George William Curtis |
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Poeminister Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862Regina SK; Canada |
"She said to me What lovers told That in this piece Are streets of gold" Walt--Enjoyed this muchly. Well written. Poeminister |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Washed in moon's beam The last brick shattered I wasted nothing On what won't matter The moon, it's stealth The words, i peer And forge the brick On year by year well...this has a lot of meaning to me..my husband having been in cement...well in the concrete business HE would say..and have watched him build our life brick by brick until this year...tearing it down one by one...hey and me, well you know... that moonchild.....so between brick building, wall climbing and reaching out to the moon....I enjoyed this *s ~Wynter "The worst prison would be a closed heart". ...Pope John Paul II |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
I enjoyed this Walt. It sort of seemed to stumble in flow at this point though, but it seems to pick back up nicely then. "I made the road For what I meant The years, I don't Think where they went" Now, reading it again, I can see it does flow, but with not as much ease as the rest. It still seems a tiny trip. LOL! Please don't smack me. Its still a good poem.  |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
thank you all for the critiques and comments I appreciate both very much yuh i love the critique flag...if anyone can help me with the destined line i'd love it!!! You know the "Never Ending Story"? They're still telling it! |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
A neat piece, Walt. Try a simple reverse inversion of the line in question. You've got other image/line inversions, so it should blend well. "One destined brick" I enjoyed it, but of course, you KNEW that already, didn't you? (o: Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
heheh yuh meadow, thanks for the help i will change it as it sounds better that way |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Wow Walt this is great...a wonderful rhyme and rhythm! |
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cruz Member
since 2000-07-18
Posts 282Dallas,Texas USA |
wanted to let you know that...as i read this over and over and over and over. and over! i c this graphic confidence! it jest makes me feeeeeeeel something. you know, like grabbing some "play-do," squeezing it, and getting every ounce of life out of it! i appreciate it sooo much. tear, drop! -imjustgettinstarted |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
...and so it goes from year to year forged brick by brick from far and near...  go walt |
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| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
