May be a haiku, no promises

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VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-01-12 01:36 AM

Cat, paw poised, lick, lick

Stretch to attention, toes flared

Salute day’s begin

© January 11, 2001

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-21

Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song

1 posted 2001-01-12 01:38 AM

Oh yes........it is a wonderful Haiku. 5-7-5 and a great one at that. The scene you paint is easy to visualize. Great job.

KokoStewartKoomoa
Senior Member

since 2000-12-04

Posts 580
Waikiki, Hawaii

2 posted 2001-01-12 01:41 AM

and a very lovely haiku it surely is! no doubts! smiles..and thanks! Koko

Passion,imagination
and intellect
running together...
Poetry in motion~~~

Aloha with
warmest regards, Koko

Krawdad
Member Elite

since 2001-01-03

Posts 2597

3 posted 2001-01-12 02:01 AM

VAS,

5-7-5 yes, but that defines only the syllable count of a formal Haiku.
Haiku seems best when the third line is the background or the contrast to the focus of the first two lines. Thus, a picture within a picture, or a picture offset by another. That asks a lot of three lines, but it makes for a powerful image, and image is what Haiku is all about.
Do some more! I greatly enjoy trying to do them.

Krawdad

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

4 posted 2001-01-12 02:45 AM

Thanks, Mark and Koko. Yes I do have the syllable count that is characteristic of many haiku. However, I'm told it can not be abstract or metaphorical, but concrete. The last line is metaphorical so that's why it is not a true haiku. I am considering changing the last line to: a leg up on day.

Concrete yet could be considered a double entendre in that it could be metaphorical, as well.

Krawdad, what do you think about the pondered change in the 3rd line? Would that make it more of a haiku?

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

5 posted 2001-01-23 06:06 AM

yup, i like your revised line "a leg up on day" better...can imagine the cat raising its paw, purring for milk...

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

6 posted 2001-01-23 08:48 AM

Thanks, kaile, wow! You dug deep for this one. I posted it 12 days ago.

kcsgrandma
Senior Member

since 2000-09-24

Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME

7 posted 2001-01-24 01:12 AM

I like the image in this, but think I agree that the revised third line is better.

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

8 posted 2001-01-24 01:14 AM

thanks, kcsgrandma! I think I do, too. Glad you liked and took time to read and comment.

Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

9 posted 2001-01-25 11:39 PM

A definite haiku. Love the cat theme.

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

10 posted 2001-01-25 11:45 PM

Thanks, E! Glad you liked!

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