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Open Poetry #11
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Out of Time
| Open Poetry #11 |
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Out of Time |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief 
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How must it be to be inside, so warm and clean so low inside? How would it be to see me now so cold and tired so warn down? Now I have done what can not be. I can not undo why can't you see? I'm lost I've died I'm lost I've tried So won't you pick me up? So won't you take me out of time? Thought you knew me so damn good. So damn well. You thought you left me but to your suprise I'm here. I just wanted it to be what it was you thought you might could see. Like a martyr on a cross you felt you had done no wrong. Like I peasant in in the crowd I knew I wasn't weak... BUT DAMNIT I WASN'T STRONG! Take me out, take me away. Pick me up and throw me down. Rewind the watches. Rewind the crime. Rewind me cause I'm out of time. |
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| © Copyright 2000 wes wiggins - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Effigy~ Wow.....this hurts to read, I hope all is ok with you.  -SEA |
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Daniel J D Senior Member
since 2000-10-01
Posts 1471Hillcrest, Queensland, Australia |
Effigy, Easy there, well written. Respond to my call and let the waves of my heart fill your life with the wonders of love (Daniel J D) |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Don't worry all is good with me. Just stressed out with the end of the semester. Too many papers too little time. |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~Hey you,...killer read! Really, you word and place things well. Nice writing. *Peace. *btw, I'm with you, on the papers and lack of time. Ugh! |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Spitfire- yea these papers suck. One more semester then it will all be over. Thats for your post. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
You have blown me away with the depth of this....whew! I loved it! Great writing Eff!! The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched ---- they must be felt with the heart~ *??* |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
Woo. Woo. Liked it. Okay, first off, line 2 reads "so warn down", and it should be "so worn down". I'm a bit of a grammarian, and I should be dogging you for the line, "Thought you knew me / so damn good." But when you follow it up with "So damn well" it says so much about the speaker and his frame of mind that I had to let it slide. The only other critique I have is on the "DAMNIT I WASN'T STRONG." It needs to be either "DAMMIT" or "DAMN IT". Aside from that, I really enjoyed this one. I think the best is the last four lines, "Rewind the watches. / Rewind the crime. / Rewind me cause / I'm out of time." Good job. I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry. |
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