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Open Poetry #11
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Constructing Eldorado
| Open Poetry #11 |
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Constructing Eldorado |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief 
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The sun shines out over peacful, rolling hills and fields of growing flowers. The green grass dotted with splotches or red, yellow, pink, an assorted colors. The man walks along the the hillsides, gazing at them as if paintings in some metropolitan museam. The climbing mountains reach for the sky, laced with rivers and streams washing away the dirt and soal. An animal here, an animal there, he watches nature's birth and decay. And nature watches his birth and decay. All of these cratures painted, blended in creating a perfect land where ghost long thought to be forgotten freely roam. A grand little place, to his eyes. A glorious Heaven in the fool's mind. The birth of Nirvana, the continued constuction of Eldorado, on the ever present graveyard of forgotten beauty. A wonderful little paradise, a tranquil resting place for the soul, all of this oozing from his injury. The garden of Eden, a lonely darkened coma, born from his own misery. He created Eldorado's temples, working each stone hand by hand. But only he can see his religion lying behind his closed eyes. [This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 11-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 wes wiggins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I LIKE this...it reminds me of one I did about Coronado Heights... this is very, very good! Karilea If I whisper, will you listen?... I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound. KRJ |
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Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
i love this..beautifully written...  ~Victoria~ A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery (1871-1945) |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Thanks I'm glad that you both enjoyed the poem. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Nature is my first love, and this one was sadly true. It was real. Thanks for posting it. What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life. Walt Whitman |
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Gemini Senior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 1203Wisconsin, USA |
Effigy-I love your human and historical mix in this, nicely done. |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
This is really nice, Wes. I liked this one a lot. It's got beautiful imagery and a great rhythm to it, however you need to be a little more careful and spend a little more time editing your work before you post it. Of course, I guess it's a good thing that all I have is nitpicky on this one. Stanza two line three needs some work. You have, "pink, an assorted colors." I think you *mean* "... AND assorted colors". If it's a typo, then fine--if not, you need to rethink your word choice because it doesn't make much sense. Stanza three is one of my favorites, except you mispelled "museum" in the last line. Stanza four, the last line you mispelled "soil". Aside from those little things, it's a great piece. It's a little different from your normal fare, but I enjoyed it. I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry. |
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