The sun left the vertex...

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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2001-01-04 12:14 PM

The sun left the vertex
And tree trunks fell slanted.
Thrown from the vortex,
Dank leaves were implanted

Alongside those bleak streets,
Where gentle and cautious,
Avoiding dark thickets,
In muddy galoshes,

We rambled on homeward
For what seemed like hours,
But we took the long road
Because it was ours.

Your skin showed a faint blush.
The clear chilly evening,
As though from a paintbrush,
With rain drops was gleaming.

How softly you whispered,
“Don’t take these nights lightly”
Believe me, my sister,
I think of them nightly.

------------------
Check out more of my poetry here:
http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

[This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-04-2001).]

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 2001-01-04 12:17 PM

Beautifully written, as always, Master!

Denise

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

2 posted 2001-01-04 12:35 PM

"Dont take these nights lightly"
in other words, dont let your life pass you by before you have the chance to meet up with it.
I liked the feeling of the second stanza particularly.

Beki
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1569
Newport Beach, CA, USA

3 posted 2001-01-04 02:51 AM

very nice, MAster

I especially liked:
"Your skin showed a faint blush.
The clear chilly evening,
As though from a paintbrush,
With rain drops was gleaming.

How softly you whispered,
“Don’t take these nights lightly”
Believe me, my sister,
I think of them nightly."

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

4 posted 2001-01-04 07:03 AM

Thanks guys, I'm glad you liked this one...

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

5 posted 2001-01-04 11:31 PM

Any suggestions on how to improve the flow of this poem?

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

6 posted 2001-01-05 01:24 PM

Alongside those bleak streets,
Where gentle and cautious,
Avoiding dark thickets,
In muddy galoshes,

Beautifully written, wonderful atmosphere in throughout, personal I think the poem is perfect the way it is.

It's in your eyes a fire that's wild and glorious
Unhibited, unfinished in everything I do Let the morning rise like our hearts desire" whipping boy

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

7 posted 2001-01-05 01:26 PM

Master, I bow before you...this likes me a lot!

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

8 posted 2001-01-05 03:27 PM

Thanks guys!

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