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Snow

Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 1170
desert flower looking for rain

0 posted 2000-11-20 02:27 AM

Improvisational poem:
Subject: An explosion of serenity
Word: arrogance
-------------------
strolling
along
the
stone
path
beside
the
river
watching
as
fall
strips
summer
from
the
trees

a
moment
lost
in
the
shadows
of
our
passion

startled
by
the
arrogance
of
reality.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

1 posted 2000-11-20 03:49 AM

I like the simplicity of the imagery in this poem. Just curious though, why the one word lines?

Ryan

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

Snow

Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 1170
desert flower looking for rain

2 posted 2000-11-20 04:33 AM

thank you for the reply.
one of my favorite forms of writing is the String format.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

3 posted 2000-11-20 04:34 AM

I agree with Ryan..wonderful words..but the meaning can be lost in having to read vertically

strolling
along the stone path
beside the river
watching
as fall strips summer
from the trees

a moment
lost
in the shadows
of our passion

startled
by the arrogance
of reality.

your words are so beautiful ..was just a suggestion

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

Snow

Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 1170
desert flower looking for rain

4 posted 2000-11-20 04:41 AM

~Wynter... thank you for the suggestion, I really appreciate it.
String is not for everyone, I happen to like it. But I do see the improvement with your suggestion. When I write improv, I try to leave it as close to how it was orginally written, minus typos.
However, when I put this one away in my book tonight, your note will be with it.

Thank you.
Snow

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

5 posted 2000-11-20 05:49 AM

I don't know they are probably right but I kind of liked it written that way it was like each thought came out with each step you took. It was line the words were strolling with you...bottom line is ...it's your poem.. I liked the scene....I appreciate the effort......and I've never thought of it that way before but reality can be very arrogant..
have a nice day...ethome....

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