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Open Poetry #11
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Winter Trilogy in Haiku...tired of not trying haiku...fits the count anyway
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Archives
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Open Poetry #11
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Winter Trilogy in Haiku...tired of not trying haiku...fits the count anyway
| Open Poetry #11 |
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Winter Trilogy in Haiku...tired of not trying haiku...fits the count anyway |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
in frozen cumulus’ lull lawn’s crunch deafens frosted whiskers search cavern in a dreamland’s sea still heart echoes not sugar-coated limbs stretch in winter’s slumbered scene dream spring’s renew ‘rise © December 5, 2000 (not happy with last line...I want one more syllable...arise in stead of 'rise) |
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| © Copyright 2000 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
dream spring's new arise...? But I like it, I like it...more, please? Karilea If I whisper, will you listen?... I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound. KRJ |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
What Sunshine said and ... dream spring's renewal dream spring's renewing dream spring's revival dream of spring's promise dreams of spring renewed I'll stop here ... How about "lawn's crunch deafening?" Now I'll stop ... I promise. Live for love. Without love, you don't live. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, Sunshine, I'm giggling inside. You are spring itself, I feel like I just awakened from a deep winter's nap and wonder why I didn't think of that simple change. Staring me in the face but my brain was on short circuit, I guess. Thanks, again, I shall change my home copy. Still giggling at myself and giddy for your help. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Yep, Interloper, my brain was short circuited, last time I counted I could count, well time before last and this time after you woke me from my mental nap. I can't quite go with the 'ing' being added, but I'll change it to: lawn's harsh crunch deafens then I get my 5 syllables. The count was always the part I had no problem with...oh, me, oh, my Thanks! |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
spring's new dreams arise |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
what they said. . . wonderful entry. . . I think that as you do more. . . you'll enjoy it more. . . of course learning from the "Haiku Mistress" herself (Sunshine) helps too!!  ---------------------------------------------------- That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
VAS, Rave on, I say, Rave on! Pack those few lines with as much as you can. Poets writting in English do, from time to time, alter the syllable count in haiku. INclan |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Dream spring's promise due. Nevertheless I find all three very enjoyable and personally I don't see too much wrong with them at all..I might go with Interloper on the lawn thing...other than that the beauty is still there where it belongs!! |
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KokoStewartKoomoa Senior Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 580Waikiki, Hawaii |
beutiful set of haiku I enjoyed even tho the line might be edited in the future. The poet must be happiest with the art! Thanks,,,,enjoyed very much! Passion,imagination and intellect running together... Poetry in motion~~~ Aloha with warmest regards, Koko |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
beautiful haiku's ......love it. Charisma |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thank you all!!! More activity on this one than any of my others. That's the main thing about haiku...it keeps my poems short, not something that happens readily otherwise. Of course, you noticed I had to put three because I can't bear to waste a whole page of paper with three lines. Oh, this isn't paper, it's cyberspace. So, now what's my excuse? Anyway, I thank you all for reading and your super-wonderful comments! |
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Dennis L. White Senior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1463Michigan, U.S.A. |
VAS, I enjoyed this Haiku collection, Please write mot of these gems. On you last line thing, how about this? sugar-coated limbs stretch in winters' slumbered scene dreams of springs' return Just a thought! Dennis :^) Moonbeams radiate When the veiling cloud has passed Playful shadows dance Dennis L. White :^) |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Impressive. I did not know that one could write interlocking haikus as one poem. I should experement more with that style. |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Very picturesque! |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
I thought this was very nice. Perhaps you could say, "Dream of spring's renew" for the last line. Just a suggestion for this great sequence. |
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Open Poetry #11
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Winter Trilogy in Haiku...tired of not trying haiku...fits the count anyway
