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Open Poetry #7
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Wedding Bands (HELP!! this needs to be ready for the weekend)
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Wedding Bands (HELP!! this needs to be ready for the weekend) |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Hello my friends and trusted advisors.  I have a wedding to attend this weekend and my present is going to be this poem. I intend to put a graphic behind it and frame it. I have also been asked to read this at the reception so I would like it to be as perfect as possible. (for me that is...lol) I would like any imput you can give me. Thanks.  Marilyn I slip this ring upon your hand, Unbroken circle, sacred band. And with this ring I vow to you, Throughout our lives I will be true. Through all the times when tempers flare, Although I hope those will be rare. Through all the times of painful woe, I'll stand beside you - shield the blow. Then in times of joy and bliss, I'll laugh with you and share a kiss. I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll hold you tight and be your rock. I'll understand your funny ways, I'll tolerate your witless days. I'll love you true with all my heart, At death, my love, is when we'll part. As allthe years fly quickly by, A tarnished ring may catch your eye. The circle still unbroken be, Just as the vow I promised thee. For tarnish taints the surface shine, It can not touch what lies behind. The precious metal, symbol of, My never ending, purest love. < !signature--> When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face... William Butler Yeats [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 06-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Hi, as I said on ICQ, throughout is one word. I'll read through this and send my comments via email. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Hey, I like the poem very much, but I don't think I can be of much help, as I said before. But I can bump this up for you! *BUMP* "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde |
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Mike Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462 |
The poem is beautiful the way it is written. If I were to make some suggestions, and just that... in the whatever it is worth department... I slip this ring upon your hand, Unbroken circle, sacred band, For with this ring, I vow to you, Forevermore, to you be true. Through troubled times, when tempers flare, Within my heart, shall always care, Though mournful times of painful woe, I'll stand beside to shield pain's blow. In wonderous times of blissful joy, I'll laugh with you, our lives enjoy, I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll hold you tight, will be your rock. I'll understand your funny ways, I'll tolerate your witless days, I'll love you true, with all my heart, 'Til death, my love, at last we part. As years pass by, if time does bring, A tarnish to this sacred ring, To you this pledge, in true love spoken, Will sacred vow, remain unbroken. For tarnish taints but surface shine, In cannot touch, what now is mine, This precious ring, a symbol of, My everlasting, purest love. Again, it was beautiful the way you wrote it Marilyn... |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Very nice, great flow.... As allthe years fly quickly by, A tarnished ring may catch your eye. The circle still unbroken be, allthe should be two words, but all in all I think this is lovely and the bride and groom will love it ~H |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
I slip this ring upon your hand, Unbroken circle, sacred band. And with this ring I vow to you, Throughout our lives I will be true. Through all the times when tempers flare, Although I hope those will be rare. Through all the times of painful woe, I'll stand beside you - shield the blow. Then in times of joy and bliss, I'll laugh with you and share a kiss. I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll hold you tight, I'll be your rock. I'll understand your funny ways, I'll tolerate your witless days. I'll love you true with all my heart, And death, my love, is when we'll part. As all the years fly quickly by, A tarnished ring may catch your eye. The circle still unbroken be, Just as the vow I promised thee. Though tarnish taints the surface shine, It can not touch what lies behind. The precious metal, symbol of, My never ending, purest love. The changes are small, the poem is lovely. Your friends are lucky. I hope this poem is the lucky charm the guides them through their life as partners. |
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lorilockheart Member
since 2000-05-06
Posts 206Alabama |
Marilyn, It's hard to give any advice because this is so good already. Seriously. Very good. I think it's perfect the way it is. Lori ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance. song by LeeAnn Womack ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marilyn: I agree with the others that this is a wonderful tribute to your friends for their wedding day. I like how Mike cured the inversion problem that I saw in Line 4 of your last stanza but I am not sure I like all of the commas he added. Perhaps "Forevermore I will be true" would read better. I'm not a great fan of slipping archaic "thee's" into a poem where they are used nowhere else but a wedding is a sentimental moment and "thee" has a sentimental ring to it so (at the risk of damaging my reputation) I think it should stay. I do know, however, that I don't like "unbroken be". It sounds pretty forced to me which tells me that the rhyme is controlling the line. Otherwise, a very nice job. I am sure your friends will appreciate the fine job you did on this for a very long time. Jim |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Marilyn~ This is beautiful! I wish I had it on my wall. I do like the way Mike did it too. He had really good suggestions. Your friends are very lucky to recieve such a personal gift! I just love it!  -SEA |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Marilyn, these are the only changes I would make..... Through all the times when tempers flare Please know that I will always care And only Death will make us part. As all the years fly quickly by And tarnished ring may catch your eye The circle will unbroken be Just like the vows that came from me. Though tarnish taints the surface shine ------ I personally would not change anything else. You have done an excellent job. |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Marylin, The only line I would change would be 'Til death, my love, do us part otherwise I think it is perfect All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Very beautiful, Marilyn! I like all the suggestions too! I'm sure whatever version you go with they will absolutely love it! Denise |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi Marilyn This is really beautiful one. These sentiments are lovely and your friend is very lucky to have a poem from you like this. Sincerely A_L |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I want to thank everyone for their help with this piece. You have no idea how much your help and encouragement means to me. I also wanted you all to know that the piece went over very well, better then I could have expected. I even made a contact at the wedding who thought I could be the next "Great Canadian Writer." I guess I will see where that goes, in time. Thanks again for all of your support. ((hug)) |
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